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Monday, November 11, 2024

The Avenue

Florida Alligator
THE AVENUE  |  LIFESTYLE

More listen, less livid: Why Nickelback is pretty decent

I could very easily play devil’s advocate when it comes to Nickelback and all of the unequivocal hatred surrounding its members. However, after constantly hearing a particularly poignant list of “reasons” for the band’s supposed amount of suck, I find myself more leveled with defending what is, without a doubt, one of the decade’s most successful acts.


Florida Alligator
THE AVENUE  |  LIFESTYLE

The fictitious timeline of Labor Day

1882: Gender-neutral historical figure Toni Labor sought to free the American worker from the shackles of the American work-week that, at its inception, continued for 365 days in a row. Tasks included, but were not limited to, beating rocks together and collecting goat and human sacrifices as offerings to the evil dragon who oversaw production atop Mt. Drudgery. Americans refered to the dragon as “Grover.” Toni Labor succeeded in slaying the dragon with a cardboard sign that read: “Seriously Grover, my feet are killing me,” and Americans celebrated by cooking the dragon over a fire. The Labor Day barbeque tradition was born.


Florida Alligator
THE AVENUE  |  NIGHTLIFE

The freshman's guide to going out

If you’re a freshman, the weekday grind of repetitive conversation, handshaking and awkward smiling has left your face, hands and brain a little numb. Then the weekend arrives. You have a glorious Saturday or Sunday ahead of you filled with sleeping, Internet surfing and movie watching on a Netflix account that you probably don’t pay for. However, the problem then arises that you don’t know anything about anything because you’re a freshman — duh. You will probably find yourself weighing one of these general options and, if so, here are some tips to go along with them:


Florida Alligator
THE AVENUE  |  SEX

Craigslist > missed connections

If there is a w4w posting you have hit a rare gem of a personal ad. The elusive w4w posting is rare because lesbians don’t care nearly as much about the Internet as straight guys do (for porn), straight women do (for Pinterest) or gay guys do (for porn and Craigslist missed connections). Now take a shot like a man.


Florida Alligator
THE AVENUE  |  LIFESTYLE

Drop/add week madness: a charming letter of suggestion

For the past several hours, I’ve been staring at the drop/add page on my computer screen the way a drunk person watches the rotation of a gas station hot dog: with a mixture of hunger and disgust. Not five minutes goes by before I reclick the page’s refresh button, only to find myself seconds later cursing the heavens and shouting, “Buddha, Jesus, Athena! WHY!?,” knowing full well that somewhere in Gainesville, at that exact moment, some jerk is laughing because he has the class I want, and he knows it.



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