The mass turkey exodus seems to begin earlier each year. Judging by the surprisingly low volume of angry letters in our inbox Tuesday, it looks like most of our faithfully vengeful readers have already flown the coop. We feel abandoned. Because campus is quiet enough to hear our hearts break at this shortage of students to enrage, we’re happy to present you with a we’ll-have-to-be-twice-as-offensive-to-make-up-for-the-difference edition of...
Darts &Laurels
First up, we’d like to personally attack the character and academic dedication of all those students who have already left Gainesville. Yes, we might just be jealous that we have to stay here and keep the poorly wired, poorly ventilated, basically crumbling Alligator building from burning down. But we’re still going to throw a you-don’t-care-about-UF-or-Gainesville-or-the-Alligator-how-could-you-betray-us-like-this? DART at absentee Gators.
Not that they’ll be here to read this anyway.
But you might be asking, where are our hearts? It’s Thanksgiving, a time to appreciate the little things. Well, our hearts are frozen, but they’re on defrost like the turkey in Mom’s fridge. They’re not quite warmed up yet, though.
Petty criminal and UF student Maxime Sparfel, paid for his Moe’s meal at the Student Rec. Center with a counterfeit $10 bill on Sunday. Nervous Sparfel went on to ask for change for another counterfeit $10 bill, arousing suspicion that led to his arrest and the confiscation of an additional $150 in counterfeit bills.
We love the movie “Mo’ Money,” but even the Wayans Brothers had a better scam than this. That’s why we have to throw a this-is-the-highest-caliber-of-criminal-you-can-produce? DART at UF.
At least this is a step up from the grad-student-shoe thief earlier this month.
For a group that pushed our hearts all the way to the back of the freezer this month, we’d like to continue to hate on the Dove World Outreach Center hate group, which has drawn controversy for spreading its messages against Islam on the shirts of children. The shirts in question read “Islam is of the Devil,” and for sending their children out to proselytize in schools, we have to throw a stop-hiding-behind-your-kids-you-cowardly-crusaders DART at the center’s members. Somehow, we don’t think we’ll ever get over the antics of this group.
The American Civil Liberties Union took up the Crazy World Outreach Center’s case this week, claiming that the children’s First Amendment right to political speech was violated by the School Board of Alachua County. For taking on a case that no one would want, and for doing everything possible to keep us from sliding down the slippery slope of censorship, we are happy to give a we’re-surprised-you-can-even-stand-to-be-in-the-same-room-as-these-wackos LAUREL to the ACLU. Keep it up, even if you are doomed to lose.
Defrost is over. We knew we couldn’t keep the anger up for too long with family and that wonderful turkey buzz just around the corner.
It was saddening to hear reports this week that the number of homeless in Alachua County has risen dramatically, but the St. Francis House — with some help from the city — will be out in force to provide Thanksgiving dinner to at least 500 homeless people. The kindness of this organization and its volunteers, along with good decisions on the city’s part, will allow many of these people to enjoy some of the comforts that those absentee Gators are already enjoying. We’d like to give a fully-defrosted-warm-heart LAUREL to the city and St. Francis House.
That’s it for this week. Keep up the generosity year-round Gators!
