Every year it seems like there's more pressure to buy my loved - and sometimes not-so-loved - ones awesome, creative, flawlessly wrapped gifts. Yet even though Black Friday came and went, I have not one giveable gift.
I doubt I'm alone. College students are lazy, so I figured an Einstein Notes-style guide to getting gifts for the characters in your life would be something we could all invest in.
Behold the sex-centric gift guide cheat sheet for the important people you need to consider this holiday season.
At the top of your list should be whomever you're fooling around with.
Whether it's the person you're "talking to" or that someone you see after hitting the bars, they get you off, and that should always be celebrated. Try buying them a ringtone. It's a small investment, but come last call, there will be no confusion when "Ms. New Booty" starts blaring from their cell.
Bonus: A personalized ringtone also makes screening easier.
Admit it: Your dormmate puts up with a lot of baloney. Remember that time you … exactly.
Invest in a good pair of earbuds for them. Cramped living quarters ultimately means a loss of privacy, and a good set of noise reducers helps restore some of it. If you're really disrespectful, consider a blindfold, too.
These gifts can also work for whomever you're living with now. After all, having your own room only makes you louder, doesn't it?
Bonus: Like everything else your dormmate owns, you can borrow it. And as a sex columnist, I can never over-recommend the value of a blindfold.
If you're like me, ladies, your best friend rocks. Then why not help her really rock out?
The OhMiBod vibrator is the perfect way. Plug it into your iPod or any other music-playing device, and it pulsates to both the beat of the music and the intensity of the volume. You can order it online, it's delivered in nondescript packaging and it comes in an oh-so-cute pink.
Bonus: Vibrators literally are the gift that keeps on giving, and as such, they are always warmly received.
Sex-centric gifts are not just for girls. Your guy friends could also use some help.
Stroke 29 is a masturbation cream that heats up as you use it, but unlike most household helpers, it doesn't get sticky. Described as the best on the market, it's cheap and easy. And what guy doesn't appreciate getting something like that?
Finally, books are always great gifts. There are a ton of great books out there devoted to help or ideas regarding sex.
Here are my big three:
"She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. It's great for both sexes and is short, engaging and informative.
Paul Joannides's "Guide to Getting It On" is my Bible. It covers nearly every realm of the sexual spectrum and is pretty funny at times. (There's a game where you match flaccid penises to hard ones, and if that doesn't scream "fun holiday game," I don't know what does.)
Finally, I'll say it: The Kama Sutra is overrated. It contains funky graphics of funkier positions that are funkin' ridiculous to get into. Instead, opt for the sleeker "Position of the Day Playbook" by Nerve.com. Bonus: It's fun to tell people that last night you did the "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
Happy holidays!
