The Department of Darts & Laurels is starting to feel a bit fatigued. We're realizing we haven't attended enough class to actually pass our first exams, we've officially lost all of our school supplies and our back-to-school haircuts have morphed from shaggy-chic to somewhere in between mullet, puffball or worse. Basically, we miss our moms. If our hectic schedules allowed us to jet home for the weekend, we'd run into the arms of the women who would point us to scrapbooks of our previous academic achievements, take us to Target and buy us some Dixon Ticonderogas and remind us that we're not feral, despite our disheveled appearances.
Because we can't actually get that kind of reassurance right now, or gain access to some rejuvenating home-cooked Italian food, we'd like to dedicate to our moms this summer's-finally-starting-to-seem-like-a-distant-memory edition of…
Darts & Laurels
Subway's meatball marinara just doesn't do the trick.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced its nominees for 2010, and we feel like the people in charge of picking them are suffering from the same fatigue we're feeling right now. We can sort of understand how KISS and Genesis made the list (emphasis on "sort of"), but our heads are collectively spinning over the selection of LL Cool J. While we appreciate the fact that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is including rap music, we'd like to throw a this-is-equivalent-to-giving-R-Kelly's-"Trapped-In-The-Closet"-an-Oscar-nod DART at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for considering "Mama Said Knock You Out" worthy of formal recognition.
We'll be rooting for the Stooges, thank you very much.
Arkansas resident Julia Grovenburg just found out she has become pregnant not once, but twice. She is one of 11 reported cases of superfetation, or double impregnation, ever documented. After conceiving once, doctors discovered a second fetus that formed about three weeks later from a different egg. For taking what could possibly be the scariest news ever like a champ, we'd like to present a this-could-only-happen-in-Ar-Kansas LAUREL to the most fertile person alive.
What's scarier than getting pregnant twice? Finding out the babies aren't yours.
Somehow, fertility clinicians in Ohio implanted a woman with the wrong embryo. Due in two weeks, the newborn will be returned to its biological parents instead of living with the woman who carried it for nine months. For subjecting someone to a reversed, nightmarish and Michael Cera-less version of "Juno," we'd like to throw an epic-fail-sperm-whale DART at the faulty fertility clinic.
We know that our parents watch shows like "Dancing With The Stars," and we can't help but wonder what they think of Tom DeLay. For performing an initially disturbing but ultimately hilarious rendition of "Wild Thing," we'd like to present a LAUREL to the former house majority leader. He's already made it to the second round of the show, but he's up against the artist behind the unforgettable "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)," Aaron Carter. We don't really understand the appeal of this show to begin with, but it seems a bit unfair to put a 62-year-old Republican politician in a dancing contest against the guy who released a song called "That's How I Beat Shaq" when he was 13.
Finally, because we miss our dogs as much as we miss our parents, we'd like to send a we-didn't-know-Pomeranians-had-knees-under-all-that-fur-but-it's-great-that-you're-trying-to-save-them LAUREL to Megan McCoy for selling dog biscuits to finance knee surgery for her dog, Romeo. Plus, given our current hairstyle status, we feel like we can empathize with Pomeranians more than usual.
That's all for this week, kiddies. If you have the chance this weekend, go visit your mamas, papas and critters if you got 'em.
