Most nights I go out, I need a DCB.
A DCB, or a "designated cock blocker," is someone who keeps an eye on people like me who sometimes wake up in the morning hoping they didn't hook up with that random, sort-of-sketchy, somewhat homely person from the bar last night, only to roll over and find said person.
For example, one morning after too many Southern Comfort and limes, I awoke with a sore head, an odd cut on my leg and a weird lump in the bed next to me. I ran to the living room and scanned for my roommates to make sure there wouldn't be any witnesses. I rushed to awaken the lump and used some lame excuse for an immediate evacuation. As I shoved the lump through the door, lo and behold, my roommate was standing right in the kitchen. Her expression was confused at first, but she slowly gave me the sliest of smiles. At that moment, I knew I'd become a punch line for the next month.
The solution to such a predicament is easy: prevention. We learned this concept in eighth-grade health class through contraception and proper hand-washing techniques, but they forgot the important suggestion of a DCB.
Like a designated driver, the DCB is appointed at the beginning of the night. Unlike the designated driver, the DCB can still drink.
A drunken DCB might even be better at his job because drunks are usually blunt and can definitely end a mood.
All your friend has to do is make sure you don't let just anyone in your pants - including the ex you call after too much tequila.
As a result, although you may not feel like a million bucks in the morning, at least you don't have to worry about having an unwelcome guest next to you.
The next time you're preparing for a forgetful night out, don't bother with chastity belts or self-control. Rely on a DCB to ensure you have all the fun without any unwanted lumps in the bed.
