It's been a busy week at the Alligator (go figure). Just when we thought exams were over and all was quiet on the West University Avenue front, another parade took us by surprise. This time, it was a festival of suck that hit us like a dump truck loaded with your neighbor's rotten Wu-Tang pumpkin that he carved way too early and allowed to marinate in the sun...
We now present you with the how-long-until-we-get-to-melt-into-our-parents'-couches-for-Thanksgiving edition of...
Darts & Laurels
For some reason, the university thinks it's okay to penalize all residents on the third floor of Riker Hall for the mistakes of some jerks whose actions resulted in $150,000 worth of flood damage. If administrators get their way, each student will pay $3,000 for the Oct. 10 flood. Residents only pay about $2,200 per semester to live there. We shoot a way-to-take-the-easy-way-out-again DART at UF, and we stab a way-to-not-man-up-to-your-actions DART at the Kevin Costner-wannabes for their awful recreation of "Waterworld."
Just when you thought a gunshot to the face would, you know, kill you, 27-year-old Glenn Altman not only survived but managed to drive himself to the hospital. In addition to a blood-soaked apartment, police also found a "small marijuana growing operation." For having crap luck after having lead embedded in his skull, we give a it's-a-good-thing-chicks-dig-scars LAUREL to Glenn Altman.
We don't know how - or why - a wanted Georgia man stole $6,000 worth of Steel Reserve and cigarettes from a local Chevron early Wednesday. But we do know this: Georgia sells 40-ounce beers, and the only way to drink Steel Reserve is with the bottle duct-taped to your hands while playing Edward-40-hands. For this, we give a could-you-at-least-have-gone-for-the-champagne-of-beers? DART at Oscar Tellez.
Way to "steal" the "reserve"! Ooooohhhhh.
A local CVS manager was arrested Friday and charged with video voyeurism after a woman found his cell phone secretly filming in the bathroom. For violating the privacy rights of dozens of women by filming them while they peed, we give a hope-you-like-being-watched-when-you-pee-too DART at possible future inmate Johnathan Matheny. As if public restrooms weren't gross enough already.
A local man was arrested Thursday after an apparent scuffle with his girlfriend, who is six months pregnant. The 6-foot-3-inch, 225-pound man reportedly elbowed her twice and pushed her into a wall. In an argument over... sports cards.
For what looks to be an extreme overreaction, we throw a you'll-have-no-trouble-getting-on-"Maury" DART at Jabaric Bell, who admitted that he believes he IS the father of the baby.
When police called in the bomb squad to investigate a suspicious backpack outside the Reitz Union on Monday, the robot they sent in did a less than stellar job. For the biggest technology fail of the week, we throw a gritty, way-to-drop-the-"bomb" DART at the bomb squad robot for not only mishandling the potentially explosive backpack but also for mistaking sand for fabric softener. Looks like robots aren't good at everything.
That's all, folks. Hope you've got your costume ready for next weekend, because nobody likes a slutty ghost.
