Hell, you think you're ready for this semester to be over? Just sneak a peek inside the Alligator newsroom, with moving boxes abound - except, of course, for our trusty junk-food drawers (Kit-Kats on the reg) which will remain fully stocked until the Appliance Direct lady sings.
Somewhere Liz Lemon (oh, so hot) is feeling all warm and tingly inside for the shout-out.
Before we "write off" to the big newsroom in the sky, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's just-when-you-think-you're-out-they-pull-you-back-in edition of Darts & Laurels.
Thanks to an economy teetering on utter disaster, the fate of public universities across the state of Florida remains in question, with perhaps none more pressing than our own. For potentially ending the careers of talented faculty and forcing students to reconsider their intended course of study, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a we-don't-even-want-to-imagine-what-UF-is-going-to-turn-into DART at budget cuts. With so much of what makes UF great hanging by a thread, we can only hope President Bernie Machen can properly remedy the situation while keeping the future in mind.
From securing the BCS national championship to being the subject of one of the most hilarious guest columns in the esteemed history of The Independent Florida Alligator (see Page 7), No. 15 has won over the legion of fans who call North Central Florida home. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a read-Tuesday's-editorial-if-you-have-any-doubts-about-this-guy LAUREL to Tim Tebow for everything he has accomplished both on and off the field in the name of The Gator Nation. While his prowess on the football field remains unparalleled, Tebow's greatest gift is his drive to help others.
And have you seen "Treebow"?
With sorority girls botching beer robberies from mediocre grocery stores (rhymes with "meat tray") and carjackings aplenty, the semester has offered a smörgåsbord of the finest in after-hours debauchery. From providing us with a hearty chuckle to keeping us up late at night fearing for our Ford Mustang, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a we've-never-been-so-afraid-to-take-a-shower-without-a-baseball-bat-nearby DART at Gainesville crime. What's a better way to start your day than to peruse the latest in Gainesville fine art that magically appeared on your front door overnight?
From correctly selecting the eventual March Madness champion to rubbing elbows with world big-wigs at the G-20 summit, the new commander in chief certainly has some fans over at the ol' Alligator newsroom. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a we-love-what-you-have-done-and-are-confident-you-will-continue-to-wow-us LAUREL to President Barack Obama for making a name for himself in fewer than 100 days in the White House. Now if only he could do something about making the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday…
Hmm, maybe if the Bears make a run?
With shopping malls so quiet you could hear a mouse fart, America's financial crisis has rocked news headlines all semester long like an awkward phone conversation with a disturbingly chatty friend. For leaving MBA-clad professionals jobless and middle-class families on the street, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a we-may-or-may-not-have-applied-for-food-stamps-this-semester DART at economic downturn. Nothing screams broke as a joke more than turning to a brown-bagged bottle of "Big Jug" malt liquor (yum!) to get your drink on.
"A rich, full flavor…a smooth, mellow taste"
From the frustrations of a server-on-the-fritz circa day one to the joy we shared laughing about the perfect marriage of rap and politics, one constant has remained through and through.
The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a we-are-truly-nothing-without-your-loyal-support LAUREL to the readers of the Alligator for coming along for the journey otherwise known as spring semester 2009. Love us or hate us, you guys and gals sure are swell in our book.
That's all for this semester. And remember, if you have a truck, you are the man.
