Things are not looking good at the Department of Darts & Laurels right now. The weekend hasn't even started yet (and it won't until this white space has been filled), and a deadly mixture of beer and Mario Kart Wii (we call it Beerio Kart) has already destroyed our apartments, bodies and minds.
But, alas! The show must go on. So, feel free to crack open a cold one, start living the High Life and read this week's let's-hope-we-can-get-through-this-editorial-before-we-throw-up-an-entire-Mario-Bacardi-party edition of Darts & Laurels, courtesy of Advil, of course. Also, please excuse the product placement overkill. We aren't on the payroll for Nintendo, Miller Brewing Co., Bacardi Limited or Advil. We swear…
The 11 million monthly subscribers of World of Warcraft will actually have a reason to leave their apartments/bunkers/caves of seclusion for something other than Bawls, Hot Pocket re-ups and foam sword-fighting equipment as soon as 2012. Sam Raimi (of " Spider-Man" fame) has announced that he will be directing a feature film all about the horde. We were into RuneScape back in middle school (one of us even required an intervention), but we would like to throw a DART at Sam Raimi for making a movie about a game that has sent many past acquaintances into a veritable abyss (presumably with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Ruben Studdard and Carmen de la Pica Morales). Raimi proved that he's a master of cheese with " Drag Me to Hell," but we think he's actually serious with this one. In a word: Wow.
Speaking of tools, a burglar seems to have found the perfect instrument to do his dirty work. Guys, it's a monkey. Security tapes show what appears to be a monkey stealing hundred of dollars worth of merchandise from Plants and Planters, a store in Richardson, Texas. We would like to send a LAUREL to as-of-yet-unapprehended burglar for channeling " Murders in the Rue Morgue" (sans the part in which a dismembered corpse is shoved up a chimney) and pinning his crimes on a blameless animal. Anything that gives us a chance to reference the great Auguste Dupin deserves a laurel; plus, dudes, it's a monkey. (You guys like animals, right?)
After initially denying a student group's request to play water pong for an African charity, the Center for Student Activities and Involvement has now decided the event is OK. According to a UF official, the concern about the event came from the fact that it resembles a certain drinking game (rhymes with " Donkey Kong" ) and that drinking water in excess can result in injury or death. The Department of Darts & Laurels would like to throw a DART into the cups of those who work for center, firstly for not being able to make up their minds and secondly for not realizing that people only die in water drinking contests when a Nintendo Wii is involved. (Seriously guys, we don't work for them).
Reluctance would be understandable if the student group wanted to pull a reverse " Mad Max" and drink gasoline because apparently that makes your IQ drop. A 14-year-old boy from Yibin City, China, who has been reportedly drinking gasoline for the past five years in order to resemble his idol, Optimus Prime. We wanna throw the kid a LAUREL for following his dreams, but also sort of a DART because, according to the kid's mom, he has damaged his brain to the point that he can no long perform simple addition and subtraction. Our indecisiveness doesn't really matter in this situation, given that he probably can't read. In fact, we feel this way about a lot of the Darts and Laurels this week. What have we really written about? People that can't stop looking at gnomes and mages long enough to read a newspaper, a monkey and a kid who can't add seven and 17. Oh boy.
Well, we realize that we only did four this week, but, as we've said, we are nursing some killer hangovers. As our parting words, we would like to gloat about beating the computer with a pint of Heineken. On Rainbow Road. Let it be known! And also, have a good weekend. No drinking and driving (unless the driving is virtual).
