Dear Mr. Mediocre Alligator Advice,
So there’s this girl. Smart, sezzy, down to Earth… the whole shebang. We’ve been talking and things are going well except one thing. Once we start getting freaky, I finish so early! I’ve never had this problem, but she’s so hot! As much as I love having the quickest trigger in the Southeast region, how can I prevent this?
- Gunslinger
Great inquiry. You know how teachers always tell students there is no such thing as a stupid question because another person might have the same inquiry? This applies precisely for this situation because 90% of guys reading this have the same question but are too afraid to ask. This sounds weird, but you need to think about sex in terms of Lay’s potato chips.
Once things are starting to get spicy — not as spicy as Sriracha, but definitely spicier than honey BBQ — divert your focus to something else. My advice: Start thinking of the reasons why they discontinued their Chicken and Waffle chips. Soon, things will get hotter than the Flamin’ Hots. However, if Gunslinger comes back, then it’s over; you can just pack your bags right there, because you’re sour cream and done-ions.
What is the best place on campus to pick up hot girls?
- Anonymous
Obviously during football games. It gets so hot out there, man. I mean you’ll find girls in tank tops and booty shorts that still need to bring a handheld fan to the game because they’re getting so hot. These girls are so hot they’re sweating bullets. Picking them up is going to be difficult because they’re extremely slippery from sweat, but a simple fireman’s carry should do.
What are some tips for looking good in the gym?
- Anonymous
It’s funny because the only reason to go to the gym is to look good. I hear dudes talking about "functional strength," and it’s garbage. Totally bro, as if a tree is going to fall on you and you’re going to have to bench press it off. As if your mom’s clutch is going to be so heavy you have to bicep curl it 812 times for three sets.
We go to the gym to look good, but have to make sure we already look good before going. Southwest Rec is undoubtedly the most crowded, so start at Student Rec, take 10 times the recommended dose of creatine and do a quick bicep/tricep/chest/back workout. Style your hair downstairs in the locker room, drive to Southwest, stroll into the weightroom, look in the mirror and tell yourself, "Damn I look good," and continue your workout. But whatever you do, never, ever, EVER workout your legs; they are by far the least functional muscle group anyway.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. This is a satirical column. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
