Listen up, pipsqueaks.
We don’t care who you are. We don’t care where you’re from.
We don’t even care if you read beyond this sentence (Actually, we really do. This is all an act).
We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column have zero tolerance for wimps. We don’t call it bullying. That doesn’t even enter our minds.
We call it character building.
There’s not much for us to say about the situation with the Miami Dolphins, but we are guilty of some devious deeds done to dweebs.
For instance, look at alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe Morgan.
The guy kept locking his tricycle up to the vending machine in the break room instead of parking it at the bike racks like everyone else.
We place a call to former Jaguars general manager Gene Smith, and voila! Stupid Joe’s had to deal with Blaine Gabbert for the past three seasons. Park your damn trike outside!
Boom. Character building.
And then there is alligatorSports Staff Writer Adam Pincus, who gets the most grief from us based simply on his undying love for black olives dipped in mayonnaise.
Yeah, we don’t get it either. That’s just gross, man.
Until he stops, we’re going to call him Chester.
Boom. Character building.
In all seriousness, bullying or harassment of any kind is unacceptable. We engage in some good-natured ribbing in this space every week, but we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column express sympathy and support to victims of bullying.
If you encounter bullying of any kind, do not stay silent. For information on what you can do to help, visit www.stopbullying.gov.
Returning to the picks, Phillip Heilman and the inexplicable tricycle rider named Morgan debate the matchup between UCF and Houston.
UCF (-10.5) is going to take Houston’s lunch money because...
Blake Bortles has been bullying opponents all season and won’t stop now. The Knights have another opportunity to prove they are legitimate BCS contenders and will probably blow it, but maybe not. Right?
- Phillip Heilman
The Cougars (+10.5) will create some sleepless Knights at UCF because...
Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin used to coach at Houston. Maybe he accidentally left one of his old playbooks behind. Well, that’s all I have.
- Joe Morgan
Now onto the picks!
Spending a second week atop the standings at 49-27-4 is alligatorSports Staff Writer Joe “My girlfriend can kick your ass!” Morgan, who has a secret weapon at home. Let’s just say this guy spends some time in handcuffs.
Sitting in second at 47-29-4 is alligatorSports Editor Phillip “How do you live like this?” Heilman, who found more than 30 old receipts while cleaning out his car. Most of them read: “Two McChickens (AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!) and an M&M McFlurry.”
Tied for second is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Adam “D-II, here I come!” Lichtenstein, who declared that he could crack the roster of a Division II basketball team. Sorry, bud. Most teams are probably looking for guys who can actually score.
Bringing up the rear of the alligatorSports group at 43-33-4 is Staff Writer Adam “Why is my phone’s time wrong?” Pincus, who still isn’t quite sure about this whole “daylight savings time” thing. Yes, Pincus, it was 1 a.m. twice Sunday morning. Don’t worry about it.
In a triumphant rise from dead-ass last to a tie with Pincus is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “One more Stella” Thompson, who ... nah, we can’t tell y’all about that.
Next up at 42-34-4 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “What a joke” Jones, who was understandably not amused to hear Fredi Gonzalez was one of three finalists for N.L. Manager of the Year. Don’t worry, Cody. You’re one of our three finalists for Most Boring Man Alive.
In dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 40-36-4 is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “Photojournalist” Goldkamp, who snapped a picture of several fellow reporters with his camera phone Thursday. Whether he just needs art for his home or something more personal, we can’t say.
Also in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 40-36-4 is InsideTheGators.com’s Bryan “3-6-9!” Holt, who expressed his affection for the Lil Jon banger “Get Low” this week. Holt knows a thing or two about getting low, if you know what we mean (He’s short).
Follow alligatorSports on Twitter @alligatorSports.
Central Florida quarterback Blake Bortles (5) runs past Connecticut defensive end Tim Willman, left, during UCF's 62-17 win in Orlando on Oct. 26.
