On Thursday night, the NFL welcomed back referees who are actually qualified to officiate professional football games. What a concept!
With the exception of Seattle, pigskin fans across the nation rejoiced with a powerful fervor the Earth has not felt since referee Ed “Big Guns” Hochuli’s most recent bench press. We like our referees ripped and swole, thank you very much. Hochuli 2012!
The referees may be shaking off some rust this weekend, but we here the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column are just hitting our stride.
Now, onto the picks!
Ohio State (+3) will make gamblers everywhere happier because...
While a reported $300 million changed hands in Vegas due to the replacement referee debacle in Seattle, there isn’t any shady exchange of money at Ohio State. Oh wait, that’s why the No. 14 Buckeyes aren’t participating in bowl season this year. Ohio State has nothing to lose.
Braxton Miller will be the difference. He’ll extend his darkhorse Heisman campaign with the kind of balanced running and passing performance the Urban Legend likes from his quarterbacks.
—ADAM PINCUS
Michigan State (-3) will channel their inner Hochuli because...
Football is all about big guns, and Sparty has Brutus vastly out-broliced. The overrated Miller hasn’t seen a defense the caliber of Michigan State, which ranks in the top 15 nationally against both the run and the pass. Miller’s two threats will become none. This game calls for a strong, physical back like Le’Veon Bell, who will be looking to assert himself in the early Heisman talk.
—GREG LUCA
At the head of the pack with a 19-13 record is Mark “Too cool for school” Long, who big-timed the Gators beat this week to hang out with the Jaguars in Jacksonville. They may play in the NFL, Mark, but you basically ditched us for the professional version of Vanderbilt — without the smart people.
Leading the second-place charge at 18-14 is the Miami Herald’s Matt “Please take more money from me” Watts, whose simple presence makes women think, “Yeah, I can get $100 more out of this guy.” It’s not because you look rich, Watts. It’s because you look desperate.
Sporting an 18-14 record is alligatorSports writer Josh “Party of One” Jurnovoy, who had his prospective study group shot down on Facebook. Don’t worry, Josh. Who needs ‘em anyway? Also, your MacBook called. No matter how many times you hit “Refresh,” they’re not going to poke you back.
Also at 18-14 is Palm Beach Post writer Jason “I can make ‘fetch’ happen” Lieser, who spent last week trying to make #theymonsters a trend on Twitter. Always on the lookout after Mike Gillislee’s #Itmeangrind became a cultural phenomenon last season, Lieser is taking advantage of Loucheiz Purifoy’s recent verbal faux pas.
Rounding out the 18-14 pack is Bryan “Tampa born and bred” Holt, who has plans to rush the field if USF beats Florida State this weekend. Good luck with that.
Boasting a 17-15 record is alligatorSports editor Greg “Here, kitty-kitty” Luca, who recently embarked on a wild goose chase after an escaped cat. As Luca set off the motion lights chasing the stray, he was terrified of running into a Gran Torino-esque Clint Eastwood. Don’t try to be a hero, Greg.
At 16-16 is alligatorSports writer Adam “Opossum Magnet” Pincus, who was alone in the office on Wednesday when an opossum fell through the roof. We’re pretty sure Pincus put it on a leash, took it home and enjoyed some snuggle time with the furry varmint. Don’t most pets resemble their owners?
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 15-17 is alligatorSports assistant editor Joe “I dream of Minnie” Morgan, who was spotted flipping through pictures of Minnie Mouse on Google Images as deadline approached at the alligatorSports office. If we wish upon a star, maybe Joe will do some actual work.
