Tyler: To start from the top, obviously Urban Meyer is Don Draper.
Mike: Hold on. First off, a note to our readers: If you haven’t seen “Mad Men,” fold up this paper, go plant yourself in front of a TV or computer and don’t get up until you’re done. We’re 44 episodes in. That’s just shy of 31 commercial-free hours, so with some dedication you’ll be caught up in less than a day and a half.
Now, let’s get into it. As you brought up, UF coach Urban Meyer is Don Draper, and I couldn’t agree more. In short, he might be some kind of genius, he’s a man of few words and he almost never answers questions about his personal life. I have one caveat with this, though. I don’t want anyone comparing Shelley Meyer to Betty. Betty is a child, and everyone hates her. Shelley is a saint.
Also, Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen is Peggy Olson. He (she) came up under Meyer (Don), and Mullen has been an underrated funny guy since he became a head coach and started speaking his mind. And I like to think Meyer gave Mullen the same “I can’t do it without you” speech Don gave Peggy.
Finally, Vanderbilt coach Robbie Caldwell is Freddy Rumsen. Caldwell rocked the house at Southeastern Conference Media Days with his southern charm, talking about everything from turkey insemination to being mistaken for a doorman. He’s likable and maybe out of his league (I sincerely hope I’m wrong there), thus making him Freddy. He’s not a recovering alcoholic, but Caldwell would be a really funny drunk. And, of the SEC coaches, he’d definitely make the best Santa Claus. No word on whether he can play Mozart on his zipper.
Tyler: I just hope Caldwell never passes out drunk and urinates on himself before a big meeting. That wouldn’t be good for anybody.
As for the second-least likable character on the show (after Betty), USC coach Lane Kiffin is Peter Dyckman Campbell. Pete is young and insists he is the future of the business even if the older regime isn’t ready. And most of his colleagues can’t respect him because he never fought in a war, similar to how Kiffin was a backup quarterback in college. No matter what either man does, they can’t escape the shadow of their esteemed families. Pete accused Don of being a fraud, but the boss never really cared. Remember when Kiffin accused Meyer of a recruiting violation, only to receive a slap on the wrist from the NCAA?
Who are the other partners? Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is Roger Sterling. They both have silver — not gray — hair and had affairs with women much younger than them (well, allegedly for Carroll). Penn State’s Joe Paterno is Bert Cooper just because both men are super-duper old. But who is Lane Pryce? There are no British coaches, but are there guys viewed as complete outsiders?
Mike: The Kiffin-Campbell comparison works well with the wives, too. Layla Kiffin and Trudy Campbell are both top notch. Using Carroll violates the terms of this discussion, but I’ll allow it. In that case, the Seahawks are Jane Sterling for stealing him away.
Lane Pryce is too hard for me to place, but how about Clemson’s Dabo Swinney as Ken Cosgrove? They’re both young and likable, and Swinney taking over after being the interim coach reminds me of Cosgrove getting the nod for a promotion over Campbell after they were Co-Heads of Accounts.
Tyler: We’ve got to make the Paul Kinsey-Mike Leach comparison. Paul prided himself as the most eccentric worker in the office, the type of person who wrote plays and marched arm-in-arm with his black girlfriend during the civil rights movements just so he would have an interesting story to tell. And who is more eccentric than Leach? Who else has an office that also serves as an 18th-century pirate museum? What other person, football coach or otherwise, dedicates himself every year to learning as much as he can in one specific area? Especially when those areas are Daniel Boone, Geronimo and grizzly bears?
And Oklahoma State coach Mike “I’m a man! I’m 40!” Gundy is the Jimmy Barrett of our generation. Barrett was one of America’s first shock comics. Gundy can get the same effect with one press conference.
Mike: I like Leach better as Salvatore Romano. The most identifiable things about Sal are that he’s Italian and gay, which don’t fit, but he was also a masterful artist (ever seen Leach’s offense?) and was forced out because an entitled, spoiled daddy’s boy wanted him gone. That means Adam “Trapped in the Closet” James is Lucky Strike’s Lee Garner Jr. For now, Sal and Leach are both out of the picture, but everyone wants them back. At least we get Leach as a TV analyst this year. I guarantee he sings “Bye Bye Birdie” during a breakaway touchdown run.
Tyler: I promise you he does not sing “Bye Bye Birdie.” The biggest question remains, if Urban Meyer is Don Draper, what is his season four tailspin? Will the stress of having an entire company (or university) rely on him prove to be too much, like when Don turned to alcohol and lost his take-off-your-pants-and-let-me-do-things-to-you charm? Or was last season his version of said tailspin, when coaching a media-saturated team drove him to the brink of retirement?
Mike: I guess we’ll just have to tune in and find out. The most ironic thing about the Meyer-Draper thing is that Meyer is terrible with ads. Ever see that Simply Orange commercial? Simply awful.
