With the unforgiving humidity of a Gainesville summer sucking the life out of you like a disgruntled ex-boyfriend, the Department of Darts & Laurels encourages you to relax and crack open an ice-cold Zima.
Too bad we aren't in Japan.
Hell, forget about mediocre "malternative" beverages for a second and give your favorite fraternity bro a hearty fist pound because Summer A graciously bows out mañana.
Before we celebrate at Ginnie Springs and watch our stomachs turn redder than that lobster you demolished at Ballyhoo's, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's never-celebrate-a-trivia-night-victory-with-highlighter-colored-martinis-at-Downtown-101 edition of Darts & Laurels.
In the world of sports, referee and umpires sometimes eject unruly players from the game. But an entire crowd getting the boot? There's something you don't see every day.
For completely overreacting by ejecting an entire crowd for heckling at a baseball game, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a hope-you-had-fun-because-that's-the-last-game-of-your-career DART at umpire Don Briggs.
Was this a booze-fueled, expletive-laden, barn-burner between the Yankees and Red Sox? Try an Iowa high school game.
Call it an unspoken tradition passed on from generation to generation, the act of attempting to deface one's high school yearbook is as American as prescription pill abuse. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a you-sir-are-a-man-amongst-boys LAUREL to the Shaker Heights High School artist for drawing an F-bomb on the cover of the yearbook. Wasn't that the name of some second-rate Shia "I used to watch my parents have sex" LaBeouf movie made back in the day?
When boredom ensues, the average person may turn to food or YouTube, but for a celebrity? Gratuitous nudity. For tweeting a link to a disturbingly gaunt topless photo of herself, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a you're-no-longer-our-favorite-ginger-girl DART at Lindsay Lohan. There's no denying the fact that Lohan, if given a burrito or 12, can turn heads with her looks, but hell, have you seen the photo?
Trust us, it isn't quite "Mean Girls" Lindsay, if you know what we're saying.
Beyond his physical prowess on the basketball court, President Barack Obama demonstrated yet another stunning skill on Tuesday. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a maybe-Obama-missed-his-true-calling LAUREL to the commander-in-chief for effortlessly killing a fly during an interview on CNBC. No word yet on whether insect-rights lobbyists are up in arms over the horrific incident.
If you've frequented a local watering hole or seven, getting up close and personal with the bar's bathroom is nothing short of an alcoholic right of passage. For getting locked overnight in a drinking establishment's restroom, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a have-you-smelled-a-bar-bathroom-after-a-long-night-of drinking? DART at the puke-scented mystery man. At least the bar didn't charge him extra for not closing out his tab.
Let's face it - not everyone is cut out to handle the rigorous demands of a late-night talk show. No Conan, not you. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a we-haven't-laughed-so-hard-since-we-first-watched-the-Slapchop-infomercial LAUREL to Artie Lange for tearing Joe Buck to pieces during the premiere of "Joe Buck Live." Lange's tour-de-force performance showed viewers exactly why Joe Buck should rethink the no-tie, unbuttoned-collar look on HBO and keep his act in the FOX broadcast booth.
One of the gems from the show wasn't even from Lange, but rather former Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Michael Irvin who witnessed the verbal massacre from the audience.
"It's just refreshing to see white-on-white crime."
That's all for this week. Good luck on your final exams!
