You're all revved up and ready for your first real football game of the season, and it's sure to be a good 'un. We know you're already parked on the couch with your Gators Snuggie and have your first pre-kickoff drink in hand-and we're happy for you, and we're gonna let you finish-but not before we present you with this week's edition of last-week's-Darts-&-Laurels-was-one-of-the-best-Darts-&-Laurels-of-all-time edition of…
Darts & Laurels
In case you missed the MTV Video Music Awards and have avoided the latest Internet meme, that was a reference to Kanye West insulting Taylor Swift on Sunday. West's logorrhea wasn't the only outburst to make headlines this week, though. From Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) to Serena Williams, we're sick of reading about people who can't keep their mouths shut. For speaking out at inappropriate times, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to send a but-seriously-Beyonces-video-really-was-better DART to sassy bitches.
Speaking of sassy bitches, UF officials have sent a cease- and-desist notice to Ballyhoo Grill for its display of "Tim Treebow," an artistic rendition of Tim Tebow that literally makes his already massive neck into a log. National Collegiate Athletic Association rules dictate that no one can capitalize off a college player's name, but it's unlikely that people are going to Ballyhoo's Grill specifically to pray at the feet - or roots - of the behemoth carving. For having a stick up its proverbial ass, we'd like to send a wooden DART into the shriveled, black heart of the NCAA.
While Ballyhoo Grill isn't making bank off of Tebow's perfectly sculpted body, one girl shared at PostSecret creator Frank Warren's speech Tuesday night how she profited from her dad's collection of scantily clad women. For having the gumption to sell her dad's Playboys for ice cream money, we'd like to give a that-sure-beats-selling-lemonade LAUREL to little entrepreneur girl.
The girl probably couldn't get that much money from a gaggle of middle school boys, but she probably raised more than Wolf Blitzer on "Celebrity Jeopardy!" last night. Going into Final Jeopardy!, Wolfie was more than $4,000 in the red and was given $1,000 to compete in the final round. For faking us out with the sense of authority he displays as a TV newscaster, we'd like to send a we-thought-you-were-smart DART at Blitzer.
We sometimes get angry at Alex Trebek's smugness (he acts like he knows everything but really just reads off of a card), but Blitzer is sure to infuriate us next time we hear him read off a teleprompter on CNN.
Moving from wolves to coyotes, Jessica Simpson's maltipoo was snatched by a wild coyote on Monday. For offering a reward upon the return of her dog, we'd like to send a LAUREL to Simpson for her unrelenting optimism. Maybe the coyote really is reading her frantic Twitter updates.
But seriously, someone should tell her what happened.
Finally, four UF employees resigned this week after they were caught using UF purchasing cards to buy items for personal use. For abusing the system when the university is already in Budget Crisis 2K9, we'd like to send a looks-like-you'll-have-all-the-time-in-the-world-to-learn-the-seductive-art-of-belly-dancing-now DART at the fraudulent four.
Obviously what they did was wrong, but we can only puzzle over the fact that the same person supposedly owns "Sex and the City," "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and something called "Perfect Hips Belly Dance Workout."
That's all for this week. Go Treebow?
