Like classes this week, we have decided to keep this edition of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column short.
Because of Thursday’s holiday, we also decided to write something nice about each picks column contestant for a change.
But of course our dark souls could not handle being polite, so here we are: insulting each other once again and holding grudges during this little break.
We had to cancel the annual Florida beat writers dinner as a result, but it was worth it.
While those who can get along with friends and family will be spending this Saturday in your old living room watching Arkansas vs. LSU, we will be too busy hating each other like the pilgrims and Indians AFTER their fun get-to-know-you meal.
But, in the spirit of the holiday, alligatorSports columnists Anthony Chiang and Tyler Jett made like the French and Indians and tried to actually get along. We let them cordially debate this game.
Arkansas (-4) will cover the Thanksgiving spread because …
The Razorbacks are the safe bet. They’re at home. Ryan Mallett’s on fire. Bobby Petrino looks like the baby who advertises for Quizno’s.
But Chiang likes LSU because he loves risks. He got back into gambling (if that was legal) recently, and he’s been playing parlays all over the place.
And nobody is a riskier pick than Les Miles. The grass don’t taste good in Arkansas.
— TYLER JETT
LSU (+4) will get lucky again because ...
I love me some Les Miles. Any man who can avoid making any controversial remarks with a line of questioning that pertains to the Erin Andrews peephole incident is OK in my book.
I have trust in this man to lead the Tigers to a convincing win against the Razorbacks. On the other hand, Tyler has trust in Bobby Petrino, who was called a “gutless bastard” by his defensive coordinator in Atlanta.
— ANTHONY CHIANG
Now on to the picks!
Breaking away from the pack with a 67-50 record is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “Quit your day job” Niebuhr. Nothing against your writing skills, but with this kind of record, you should be gambling full time.
In second with a 61-56 record is the Miami Herald’s Joe “DEFCON 1” Goodman, who was presumably too flustered by the Miami Heat’s recent run of poor form to answer his phone/texts/e-mails. When you divorced the Gators, you promised not to divorce little brother Mike McCall, too.
Coming in third with a 54-58 record is alligatorSports editor Anthony “It makes me look weak, but it’s just so tasty” Chiang, who ordered a gingerbread coffee with his boy during a two-for-one Starbucks holiday sale.
Tied with Anthony is alligatorSports’ Kyle “Come at me like a man, no DMs!” Maistri, who’s still fuming from a war of words on Twitter with ESPN NBA analyst Ric Bucher, who refused to do battle out in the open and only responded with direct messages.
Dropping down to fifth with a 58-59 record is alligatorSports assistant editor Tyler “Friends don’t exclude friends from Taco Tuesdaze” Jett, who spent Tuesday moping around after the other three columnists went to Tijuana Flats without him. Sorry buddy, from now on everyone will run every culinary adventure by you first.
In sixth place with a 57-60 record is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “It was on the teleprompter!” Aschoff, who said “you know” 18 times during his six-minute weekly recruiting show.
Tied with Edward is alligatorSports’ Mike “Pop ‘n’ Lock” McCall, who missed Monday’s press conference after locking his keys in his shaggin’ wagon.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 54-68 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “I see Liz Lemon everywhere” Jones, who mistakenly bought NetFlix and watched “30 Rock” for 18 straight hours last weekend.
