Florida Atlantic, isn?t that the school that fought Miami in the Orange Brawl?
No, that?s Florida International.
OK, why is UF playing the, wait, what?s their mascot?
The Owls.
Just what does FAU have to offer?
Why should students get up before noon on Saturday, brush aside beer bottles littering their floor, find their student section T-shirt still soiled from a post-Vanderbilt party and watch a glorified scrimmage?
Because of one man: FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger.
Or, in the case of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column, the Fake Howard Schnellenberger, aka Howard Schnellenfraud, aka South Florida attorney Barry Kowitt.
The real Schnellenberger started coaching at Alabama during the George Wallace administration and later won a national championship with Miami in 1983, his major claim to fame.
The fake Schnellenberger attended Thug-U with famous Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard during the Schnellenberger reign and picked up on the nuances of the coach, especially a unique deep, gruff voice.
BIf you look at him, he looks like he?s stuck in a bit of a time warp,C Fake Howard said. BHe?s a bit of a relic, if you will. Of course the white hair, the white mustache and smoking a pipe. You don?t see many pipe smokers. That really gives me an opportunity to I guess find things to exaggerate the caricature.C
Fake Howard got his big break during the early years of Le Batard?s fledgling radio show.
BIt needed a little boost in the beginning,C Fake Howard said. BIt wasn?t the juggernaut that it is now.C
Fake Howard gave the show the spark it needed.
Earlier this year, Tim Hardaway went on the show and announced to the world his hatred for gay people.
But, in the end, the bread and butter of the show is Fake Howard, who has actually spoken with the real Howard in a couple of segments.
BIf I were to talk to him again, I guess it would really be to tell him to win a few games,C said Fake Howard, who did the entire phone interview in character. BI?m concerned that this could be his final stop. If he doesn?t start winning soon, he?s going to be out of the coaching ranks, which means I?m out of a job doing my Fake Howard.C
Fake Howard discussed everything from the greatness of Urban Meyer to keeping Tim Tebow in check.
BBeverlee hasn?t seen me much in the bed,C Fake Howard said. BI?ve been staying up late trying to figure out a way to stop this guy.C
Fake Howard picked FAU to beat the Gators 2-0, and his pre-game speech could have a lot to do with his predicted upset.
BI?m going to tell them when you come out on that field and see all those players, you just hoot, and that?s the key to winning, just hoot,C Fake Howard said. BThey won?t know what hit them. They?ll think that you?re trying to play football. But instead, I just want you to hoot. That?s the advice I?d give them. I?m all about the hoot.C
If only the Gators gave a hoot about FAU.
Onto the picks!
Leading off with a record of 58-42, which is worse than the guest pickers combined, is alligatorSports.org Editor Brian BSchnellenberger?s their star safety, right?C Steele, whose butt has turned rosy red from all those Telly Concepcion post-practice slaps that leave him smiling with glee.
In second at 57-43 is Sports Editor Bryan BI hate this jobC Jones, who is contemplating sleeping in and skipping Saturday?s game after his exhaustive week of work.
Next up with a record of 54-46 is Assistant Sports Editor Jenna BI hate this job, tooC Marina, who doesn?t understand how the Navy Midshipmen can play in those sailor uniforms.
Falling in fourth at 53-47 is Mike BI want to be a male modelC McCall, whose no-shave November plan fell through when an overzealous stylist encroached on his peach fuzz.
And rounding out this sorry group in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 49-51, that?s right, under .500, is Nick BMicrosoft Office 2007 can go to hell and dieC Zaccardi, who is using that as the cover for the real reason he hates his new laptop - it doesn?t have the massive cache of shirtless Ron Zook photos that lived on his old computer.
| BJ | JM | MM | BS | NZ | FH | |
| OSU-Mich | OSU | OSU | Mich | Mich | Mich | OSU |
| MD-FSU | FSU | MD | FSU | FSU | FSU | FSU |
| UK-UGA | UGA | UK | UGA | UGA | UGA | UGA |
| Duke-ND | ND | Duke | ND | ND | ND | Duke |
| BC-Clem | Clem | BC | BC | BC | Clem | BC |
| Louis-USF | Louis | Louis | Louis | Louis | Louis | Louis |
| Harv-Yale | Harv | Yale | Harv | Yale | Harv | Harv |
| SD-JAX | JAX | JAX | JAX | SD | SD | SD |
| NYG-DET | NYG | NYG | DET | NYG | NYG | DET |
UF-FAU BJ: UF 59-20; JM: UF 56-21; MM: UF 49-10; BS: UF 58-10; NZ: UF 56-17; FH: FAU 2-0
