As the youngest member of a family of seven, I was the last one to start drinking alcohol.
My tardiness out of the womb made me the "designated son," which included cleaning up the house, listening to drunk rants and driving home from the liquor store.
Yes, the liquor store. In my family, we open presents early.
Growing up in this fashion led to an ability to interact with drunk people in a way most people don't have the patience to. In fact, you could say I have more success with drunks than with sober people.
I don't know what this says about me, but I try not to think about it.
A positive side effect: success with women. I remember one instance in which I shared a couch with a theater major in a cocktail dress.
"Oh my God," she observed. "Your face is so adorable!"
Hours earlier, this mess of smeared mascara and moppy hair was probably a cutie. Now, her head hung loosely on her neck as if she was a fresh corpse. By the coats of glaze over her eyes and the tequila on her breath, I could tell she had a few too many.
Now, some skeptics out there doubt a drunk's sincerity. What those skeptics fail to see is the unrestrained honesty people exhibit after a few shots of truth serum.
How many family reunions have been ruined after Aunt Martha has one too many mimosas and kicks off that Dad-always-loved-you-better speech?
Besides, my mom says I have the face of an angel.
Desperate enough to accept any compliment, no matter the sobriety of the source, I humored Tequila Breath for a short while.
"You know, faces say a lot about what a person looks like," I informed her.
"That's so true!"
Cut to an hour later: the group of drunks around me burst into laughter. I successfully turned the couch into a drunk-haven. Even Tequila Breath felt comfortable enough to pass out on my shoulder. It was like some glorious dream.
But a dream's all it was. On the ride home (in which my sober friend found me considerably less interesting), I felt ashamed. Is that what it takes to get people to talk to me - getting them completely trashed?
Hopefully soon I'll be able to find a way to hold conversations with people without requiring them to impair their vision and judgment first.
