The health of our unborn children is at stake — if they are born in Florida, that is. Everyone should run for the hills, aka somewhere that isn’t flatland Florida. What with the sudden lightning storms that can crop up at any minute, the 14 cases of Zika infections found in the Wynwood area of Miami-Dade, the alligator attacks, the vicious road rage due to our standstill traffic and a host of other dangerous occurrences that happen daily in our “sunshine” state, nowhere is safe. Even the people here have been lumped together as the crazed “Florida Man.” National headlines read, “Florida Man accidentally shoots himself during job interview at elementary school” and “Florida Man attempts to smoke crack in ICU, almost burns down hospital.” It’s no wonder the people here are close to self-immolating.
Born in the great, how-humid-is-it-today state, I have always noticed how Florida seems to be a hot topic in the news, more so than other states. That could be due to the saturation of local Florida news I hear, but national news stations all seem to know about the “Florida” brand — Florida hurricanes, Florida alligators, Florida mosquitoes — like these are exclusive to the uniquely blazing state of Florida. Even when I went north to college, people from out of state seemed to know only two things about the part of Florida I hail from: crime and Pitbull.
As one Floridian to probably another (most of us tend to stay here because the air is too thick and sticky to move), I say enough is enough. I’m sick and tired of hearing about one tragedy after another befalling (disproportionately it seems) Floridians. If I were to have a child in this environment today, I’d play a fun little game with him called: Guess What State. Guess where toxic algal blooms drive tourists away and neighbors into their homes, little JackJack? Florida! That’s right. Guess where Planned Parenthood is losing funding? Florida again! Wow, you’re really good at this. Guess which great state has a law against having sexual relations with a porcupine? Florida, of course! Here’s a cookie.
After Dwyane Wade left Miami for the even-more-violent Chicago, I knew our state was doomed. Soon our most populous areas will be underwater, we will be forced to move or die treading water in our underwater homes, and there won’t be a decent Heat player left in sight! So who’s with me? Who’s ready to say good riddance to Florida and hello to the Pacific Northwest? I’ve heard the earthquakes aren’t noticeable in your sleep, and the bear attacks mostly happen in the spring. Safe travels!
Emma Green is a UF journalism junior. Her column appears on Thursdays.
