I know you've been waiting for it: the weekend of booze, fireworks and watermelon in celebration of our country that looms at the end of this first week of Summer B.
But before you do all that gallivanting at the possible expense of a friend's fiery death, let's take a minute to look back at one of the amendments our country was built on and how it's standing today.
I'm going conservative as all get out on this one, but I'm talking about the Second Amendment.
You should reflect on the fact that until Monday of this week, your local government could take that right away from you.
If you've been following any kind of news source this week, you'd know that the Supreme Court struck down Chicago's handgun ban and enforced the Second Amendment over all future jurisdiction.
As a college student, I feel like I'm supposed to be a pretentious liberal punk and take Chicago's side. On the other hand, being a kid from North Florida who hangs out in the boondocks that surround Gainesville, I feel like I should side with the Court's decision.
Maybe say something along the lines of "Hell yeah, we should bear our arms! What if that evil Obama starts infringin' on our rights, and we gotta start a militia!"
I'll be up-front with you guys. I stand by the Second Amendment, but not for any of that ultra-aggressive, conservative malarkey. Guns are just so damn fun to shoot.
And being a guy from Alachua - or an ACR as you out-of-towners love to call us - I had the opportunity last weekend to drive out to my buddy's farm andblast my Second Amendment enthusiasm through all kinds of targets.
About five of my closest friends and I set up under a gazebo at the edge of his 100-acre property with seven guns, four targets and enough ammo to sink a small boat.
When it was my turn to shoot, I grabbed my friend's .44 Magnum I had been eying all day.
Yes, the one from "Dirty Harry" that will "blow your head clean off."
And being the pun-filled jerk that I am, I feel it is my duty to add that it really did make my day.
All stupidity aside, aiming that hand-cannon around the pasture, I couldn't help but notice the sense of power that coursed through me.
For the rest of this story, visit alligator.org/the_avenue.
I felt like King Arthur when he grabbed Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake,
but in a more childish, douchy kind of way (see picture above column).
The power rush was hard to explain. I mean, it's not that I would blow anyone away Clint Eastwood style; it was knowing that I could.
Maybe it was the sound of rolling thunder that echoed through the woods when I shot. Maybe it was knowing that if I didn't brace myself before firing, I would be left with a bloodied eyebrow or a missing tooth from the gun's recoil. Maybe it was the fact that I giggled like a 5-year-old girl watching Barney every time I hit a target.
I might add that there are few experiences more satisfying in the world than vaporizing a watermelon from 300 feet with the pull of a trigger.
Either way, I would recommend to anyone who opposes or is thinking of
opposing my right to have some good ol' redneck gun-fun to go to the shooting range.
I realize that's like telling a member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving not to knock it ‘til she's tried it, but this is probably a little more reasonable.
And to anyone who's pro-Second Amendment, I urge you to be honest
when you're arguing for your rights.
Tell those Godless, liberal a-holes that your 105 mm cannon is just a glorified BB gun and that you just want to go out there and shoot stuff with your buddies.
I know I'm just another outspoken college kid. But trust me, it freaks them out a lot more when you talk about protecting your home, or, even
worse, "protecting us against an overbearing government."
OK, then. Have I offended everyone on both sides of this issue?
Good.
Now, think about my point as you plan what you're going to blow up
this weekend for our country. I want interesting headlines Monday morning, people.
