I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I think this mantra needs to be updated to reflect the feelings of our generation. Maybe something like, “If you have anything nice to say, please don’t say it because I won’t know how to react.”
I find feelings of discomfort a rarity, except for the times I get complimented — not that I get complimented a lot or anything. When I do, though, I try to get that compliment as far away from me as possible.
“Your hair looks good today,” says an unsuspecting, well-meant person. “Oh I just brushed it for the first time in, like, a while,” I respond.
“I like your outfit.” "I don’t think I can rock it."
“I like your apartment.” "My roommate decorated it."
“I like your column.” "Wait, you read it?"
I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one who swats away sincere compliments as if they were fruit flies or fraternity guys. In fact, I know a lot of accomplished, smart and (seemingly) confident women who do the same thing.
We’ll do anything to avoid taking credit. We’ll give the complimenter a better, stronger compliment to take the attention away from us. We’ll explain how whatever we’re being praised for has nothing to do with us. We’ll beat around it. We’ll completely negate it.
We say “I hate myself” in casual conversations and make self-deprecating jokes at dinner tables, but we can’t even muster up a “thanks” when we’re commended. We’ve got a problem here.
So why are we like this? A few reasons. First, we think that by accepting a compliment, we’ll come off as conceited. Unless you’re thanking Regina George for saying you’re really pretty, you probably won’t be accosted for agreeing that you think you’re really pretty. Chances are, if someone is commending you, they’re not simultaneously testing you. It’s time to stop worrying that people will think we might actually be proud of ourselves. Take the compliment.
We’re also scared to make people — and ourselves — feel awkward. Success is weird, and we’re all a little bit afraid of it. We wouldn’t dare brag to anyone. We only “humble brag.” But by acknowledging the fact that we might have done something worthy of praise, we’re not insinuating everyone else hasn’t. In fact, negating good-natured comments makes it seem like you’re fishing for another one. And so the cycle of awkwardness you intended to stop continues.
The last and most lethal reason we refuse to accept compliments is simple: We don’t think we deserve them. There’s no easy explanation for this one, as much as I wish there was.
Whatever the reason, though, refusal to accept praise for our accomplishments needs to become a thing of the past. What we say influences how we feel, which influences the kind of people we become. We’re all here in college trying to become the best and brightest in our fields, meanwhile we’re refusing to believe we could be anything worthy of a “you go girl.” But this double life we’re living is going to catch up with us. While we’re trying to avoid looking self-assured, the little comments we make about how not-that-great we are will start to add up, and slowly, they’ll change the way we see ourselves.
So I’m putting all of us up to a challenge. The next time someone compliments you, whatever the reason, just say thank you. Then say nothing. Accept the compliment, and you might even start to believe it’s true.
Carly Breit is a UF journalism senior. Her column appears on Wednesdays.
