Danielle has waited all week to gussy up and get herself ready for her hot night.
She's purchased a fresh, new outfit and paid for every part imaginable to be waxed on her body. She's cleared her schedule, enlisted her TiVo and told her cats, Ben and Jerry, not to wait up. Hopefully, she thinks to herself, it will be a long night.
This seems like a little much, but that's only because she's had her eye on John for months. They share classes and have similar friends. She's convinced this is some sort of Cinderella destiny. Or, at the very least, she predicts a good meal and some decent tonsil hockey.
They're at the fanciest downtown café, and she won't even try to read the entrees on the menu because she can't pronounce half of them. The conversation train has left the station. Their winks and giggles illuminate the dimly lit dining room. She is the conductor of this trip.
She laughs a big, wholesome belly-laugh at what's probably a terrible joke.
Plop.
Splash.
Damn it.
All aboard! There's another passenger. It's in your pants. Cordially uninvited with an uncanny knack for having the worst timing, it's your period.
Your time of the month.
Your crimson flow.
It's off-schedule, off-beat and now, your libido is off, too.
Best case scenario? The protruding red on the back of your white sundress is a love patch. It draws his dilated eyes to your great ass, and you score some more points. You transform into a very fertile Kim Kardashian right before his eyes.
But we both know that doesn't happen.
You dive into your handbag, desperately groping around for a tampon, a pad, a bandana - does it matter at this point?
The damage is done, and you just need absorption. Props to you for trying to play it off, but nothing can wipe that panicked, dumbstruck look off your face, especially since it's accompanied by a hormonally driven cold sweat.
Welcome to a girl's worst nightmare.
So, what do you do?
No, you shouldn't feel the need to incorporate a diaper into your everyday wardrobe. That's unfair, not to mention gross. Try to be as prepared as possible. We all know Mother Nature is one to make and break plans like it's nobody's business.
Tell him you're cold and borrow his jacket. Run to the bathroom and pull some serious stain removal and damage control. Worse comes to worst? Own up to it. Remember what mom and grandma told you: This is totally natural. (Yeah, right.) You never know - your "John" might appreciate your boldness, in personality and, er, fashion.
