You are new to Gainesville and perplexed by the throngs of drunk college hooligans swaying by your doorstep at 2 a.m. Or, you are back from your forced exile from home-cooked meals and motherly laundry service, and all of a sudden are forced to fend for yourself once again.
Somehow, you met someone who can stand to be around you for more than a class period at a time, and you'd like to show him or her a good time. Alas, the options are many and your knowledge is limited. Where to take that special someone? Someplace that will impress them but also say something about the type of person you are. Somewhere that speaks to you. Do not fretãlike a good neighbor, The Avenue is here to help.
If you are: A hipster
Go to: The Top
This goes without saying. You love the owl motif and your bearded server who wears tighter pants than your sister. You love the eclectic (I hope that word doesn't come up again) food selectionãthe tofu triangles, the sweet potato fries and the black bean burgers. After your meal you can mosey over to the bar that has a DJ booth on the end of it and then take pictures in the photo booth, which you will immediately post on Facebook because you're so original. At the end of the night, you'll jump on your fixed-gear bike and go home, and you won't make a move on your date under the guise of "being respectful." It's another night of you and The Smiths, sad.
If you are: An aging hipster
Go to: Satchel's
Satchel's is heaven to you. It's like the hippy commune you always wanted to be a part of but never could because you secretly like bathing. Where else in Gainesville can you eat in a van? No really, one of their tables is in a van. No credit cards here friend. The tips are pooled and all the aging hipster waitresses wait on everybody, commune style. You also will never get two plates with the same design at one table, and that speaks to your hard-won individuality. After your meal get some chocolate cake. Then you go next door to Lightnin Salvage, a store full of useless knick-knacks sure to entertain you for at least eight minutes. You know you want that dashboard Jesus.
If you are: In a fraternity
Go to: The Swamp
You've been pounding beers at the house and are ready to party. It's 10 a.m. on a Sunday, so there's only one place to go. Oh yes, The Swamp. You and your very expensive live-in friends can really let loose here. The big screen TVs, the all-female wait staff (except for the bartender, talk about a dream job), and the drink specials speak to your unbridled masculinity. Don't worry about the foodãeverything tastes like Bud Light anyway. If you really want to get crazy, ask the manager to show you the moon tattoo he has on his lower back. He loves that.
If you are: A freshman
Go to: Applebee's
You are away from home for the first time in your life. You want to go someplace that mom used to take you on your weekend visits. You have no idea where anything is and anytime you venture more than a mile from your place you spend three hours trying to find your way back. Applebee's is your shining beacon of familiarity in the sea of uncertainty that is your life. You get the something Rollup or another and use Mapquest on your iPhone to slowly find your dorm. Welcome to Gainesville.
If you are: Poor
Go to: El Indio
You are not one of the lucky ones. Daddy doesn't pay your rent. Or maybe he does, but that's all he pays. You are forced to buy your own food and yes, you could go grocery shopping but that would mean cooking and cleaning, so God no. Your solution is easy friend. El Indio offers fine Mexican cuisine in a semi-clean outdoor environment. And the price is right. You can get tacos for two bucks.
If you are: Environmentally conscious
Go to: Buddha Belly
You are a tree-loving environmentalist. You talk about "making a difference" and "voting with your mind and not your dollar." You drink foreign wine and aged cheese because your sophisticated palate demands it. You show documentaries at your house about climate issues and talk for hours to hear the sound of your own voice pretending to actually give a shit what your friends are saying. Your one redeeming quality is your choice of restaurant, Buddha Belly. They have the option of real silverware and you can bring your own containers so you don't have to use Styrofoam. They send your order to the cook on a zip-line across the restaurant, which probably saves paper.
If you are: Drunk at 2 a.m.
Go to: Flaco's
You just had a wild night downtown, and you're wasted. You lost all your friends but you stumble into a corner store with bright inviting lights and the sweet smell of Cuban coffee. You close one eye to see straight and order the godfather and a huge coffee. You play some old-school arcade games while you wait for your food and before you know it you're sober enough to text your friends, who have actually been in the place the whole timeãyou were just to drunk to notice. On the way out, grab a guava pastry and feel like the night has just begun.
This information was provided with help from Gainesville residents to maximize your dining experiences and get the most out of your special town. Tom Miller, Gainesville's own Andy Warhol, would like to leave you with one final piece of advice: If you like sushi, go to Japan. No really, go to Japan.
