After struggling to reacclimate ourselves to the oh-so brutal grind of work and school, the Department of Darts & Laurels can't help but smile now that the weekend is finally upon us.
While your activities this evening may pale in comparison to the absurdities of last week, we'll go out on a limb and safely assume that your body could use a break.
Unless of course, you happen to enjoy that whole lifestyle of self-destruction - more power to you.
As we dread tackling the mountain of laundry bearing badges of Spring Break honor, we proudly present you this week's don't-even-bother-calculating-how-much-dough-you-dropped-in-Mexico edition of Darts & Laurels.
While bowling barely qualifies as a sport given the fact that a player's performance actually increases after consuming alcohol (trust us), there is evidently a degree of danger involved. For punching a fellow bowler in the mouth with a 16-pound bowling ball and knocking a tooth out, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a dude-it's-just-bowling DART at lane lunatic Ryan Scott David. And to think, they were arguing over who held the right to bowl first.
Do you remember where you were when you heard Tim Tebow echo the words that will now forever live on in Gator history? The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a lot-of-good-has-come-out-of-this LAUREL to UF for commemorating Tim Tebow's "The Promise" speech with a plaque featuring every word he uttered in the wake of last season's upset loss to Ole Miss. We bet even the biggest Florida State fan won't be able to walk past the Bill Heavener Football Complex without stopping to take notice.
Science fiction geeks everywhere collectively shuttered upon hearing news that major changes are in store at their destination for the latest in space odyssey programming. For rebranding themselves as SyFy to expand their horizons to include more mainstream shows, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a why-mess-with-a-good-thing DART at the artist formerly known as the Sci Fi Channel. What's next, adding syndicated episodes of "Sex and the City" to the lineup?
Somewhere a Trekkie sheds a tear.
Channeling his inner Andy Dufresne, one Missouri inmate concocted a scheme seemingly worthy of a "Shawshank Redemption" redux. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a get-busy-living-or-get-busy-dying LAUREL to David Rocklage for escaping from a hospital after tricking officers into taking him to get medical assistance for his persistent chest pain. While we certainly don't condone criminal activity, there is something undeniably laudable about a man going to extreme lengths to regain his freedom.
Word out of Rhode Island informs us that 30-year-old women are susceptible to behavior that even a diaper-donning preschooler would deem immature. For biting and punching her son's principal after learning he had been suspended from school, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a why-didn't-you-just-get-a-five-dollar-footlong-if-you-were-that-hungry DART at Aleyda Uceta. Maybe it's just us, but when we think of our parents, we tend to think of people who tend to set far better examples than ourselves.
So much for the mom having any leverage to ground her son.
With the men's NCAA basketball tournament in full swing, office workers no longer have to worry about getting caught watching all of the madness thanks to the friendly folks at CBS Sportsline.com. The Department of Darts and Laurels graciously extends a thanks-to-you-we-can-safely-watch-the-games-in-class LAUREL to the "Boss Button," for allowing a seamless escape plan to avoid having to explain why you were watching Maryland crush California when TPS reports were due by 5. With one simple click of the mouse, you can safely change your screen from Dino Gregory dunking on some overmatched Cal player to a nondescript Excel spreadsheet.
Tenuous situation totally avoided!
That's all for this week. Go catch up on some sleep.
