We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column appreciate fine art.
Elitists place sportswriters at the bottom of the creative totem pole, but trust us: We’re cultured. Nobody enjoys the spots and squiggles of abstract paintings, the soundtracks and subtitles of foreign films, the beeps and boops of jazz music more than us.
And we can spot a phony from a mile away. That’s why we are glad to see the end of “Crossing Paths” — or, as it is better known in the artistic community, “That super sucky program for which UF paid like $40,000 to put creepy statues everywhere.”
Good riddance, scary window washer outside Einstein Bros. Bagels.
At its heart, football is an inspiring work of art; it’s why we became sportswriters in the first place. Running backs in motion conjure the grace of the ballet. Pissed-off coaches deliver monologues ripped from the pages of Shakespeare. Quarterbacks and receivers display a spiritual connection akin to that of the flute and the piccolo.
Football players will surely lift our hearts this weekend with elegant play, but one game in particular has stirred debate between two of the sport’s snobbiest consumers. We let them present their cases.
Texas A&M (-9) will put on a five-star show because…
The Aggies are minimalist artists. A&M won’t be fancy Saturday because it doesn’t need to be. There is nothing more embarrassing than performers who try too hard anyway.
Expect the Aggies to run on first down, run on second down and run more on third down — if A&M ever has to face such a challenge. Baylor is in over its head, especially against a proficient running attack.
The Bears have the fourth-worst rush defense in the Big 12, and the Aggies have a pair of stout backs in senior Cyrus Gray and junior Christine Michael. Also, quarterback Ryan Tannehill can tuck it and run here and there if he feels like it.
But don’t expect that too much; the Aggies are accomplished and confident. Their art is clean, simple yet effective.
— TYLER JETT
Baylor (+9) will leave A&M dreaming because…
Robert Griffin III is Salvador Dalí reincarnated as a Heisman candidate. Unlike the pedestrian “art” of the Aggies, Griffin III and Baylor lead an eccentric and grandiose performance every time they take the field.
Like Dalí, RG3 sees things differently. Soft zone, all-out blitz, he doesn’t care. He creates what he wants on the field, painting a scene unlike any before him. On the strength of his arm and improvisational ability, Baylor is fourth in the nation in scoring at 47.6 per game.
While the Aggies lead the conference in rushing defense, they’re last against the pass — where Griffin will torch them in the second half, just as Oklahoma State and Arkansas did in come-from-behind wins.
Like the creature in the center of Dalí’s “The Persistence of Memory,” A&M will fade away after yet another collapse.
— MATT WATTS
Now, on to the picks!
Sitting atop the standings with a 29-18 record is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “I just spilled my soul” Watts, who upchucked a mysterious black liquid after a hazy Friday night in New Orleans. To create the devil’s cocktail, Matt mixed three ingredients: Marlboros, hand grenades and hate — lots and lots of hate.
Following closely in a logjam at 27-20 is alligatorSports staff writer Tyler “What am I supposed to do in this place?” Jett, whose staunch membership of Team Sober had him looking quite out of place on Bourbon Street. We couldn’t tell who didn’t belong more, Jett or the evangelical preachers.
Tied for second is FightinGators.com’s Cody “I can’t get enough Timmy” Jones, who is pinning the hopes of his fantasy team on one certain ex-Gator-turned-NFL-icon quarterback. The addition of Tebow now gives Team Jones (real creative, Cody) four mediocre signal-callers to go with “scrappy” guys like Eric Decker and Jackie Battle. How is your team 4-1?
Still climbing the standings and now tied for second is the Associated Press’ Mark “Real athletes wear leotards and codpieces” Long, who wouldn’t shut up about his love for Cirque du Soleil this week. Translation: Can you please put on tighter pants, Chris Rainey?
In fifth at 26-21 is InsidetheGators.com’s Kyle “Do I really have to?” Maistri, who would rather spend his days “liking” Zeitgeist posts on Facebook than doing the job for which he earns a paycheck. Sorry, Kyle, but you’re expected to make the grueling trek to Jacksonville for the Florida-Georgia game.
Next up at 25-22 is alligatorSports staff writer Greg “Let’s remove the human element from fun” Luca, whose love of statistics led to the creation of an Excel spreadsheet outlining his “Madden NFL ‘12” performances. Greg can tell you the average number of touchdowns scored, turnovers committed and time spoken about said topic before the opposite sex walks away.
In next-to-last place at 24-23 is the Florida Times-Union’s Mike “Are you dropping SBDs now?” DiRocco, who was yet another person to feel the wrath of a certain writer’s tribulations (no trials, just tribulations) on Bourbon Street. Just because your best friend wasn’t on the trip doesn’t mean you were going to spend a whole game in the press box without some invasion of your nostrils’ personal space. Sorry, Mike.
In dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 23-24 is alligatorSports editor Tom “Because my insider sources said so” Green, who was taken aback when Jacoby Brissett started against LSU after his high school coach told Green otherwise. Don’t be too upset, Tom, Jack Daniels gave you something for free: a lesson.
