Now that it’s actually 2016, the presidential race just got a whole bunch scarier.
It was easy not to worry much about the race all the way back in 2015, when 2016 was nothing but a whimsical imaginary number far away in the distance. Today, it’s objectively terrifying. Seven years into an Obama presidency is a relatively comfortable place to be, as long as you don’t consider it might all go to shit come November. The next president could very well be a Republican, a proto-fascist demagogue, a crotchety old socialist or a genuinely sociopathic caricature of that guy from American Dad.
Unpredictability has defined this campaign. As a matter of fact, it’s been the one thing we can count on. Hopefully, it won’t be Trump. Lately I’ve been soothing myself with the hope that his biggest impact — apart from inspiring the Freikorps wannabes who currently occupy federal land in Oregon — will be that his campaign will Perot the GOP. He might possibly even split the party in two and create a faction that’s openly racist and one that’s only implicitly so.
The surest bet is that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. As much as I adore Sanders, the reality of the situation is, if elected, he’d be the first president to be literally crucified immediately upon taking office, if not publicly executed in a Pentagon coup. I’m voting for him in the primaries anyway because I have a conscience, but I don’t think the Democratic National Committee will ever allow a Sanders nomination to happen.
That leaves us with a Clinton nomination and more-than-likely presidency. If you’re into a mix of Republican economic policies and vogue tastes on current social issues, that’s an acceptable offer. Personally, I have a few concerns about the proposition, but my largest is this: Are we totally sure Hillary Clinton isn’t actually a lizard person?
I’m not saying Clinton is literally a 13-foot-tall lizard from another planet posing as a human woman in order to accrue maximum political power. I’ve just noticed a conspicuous lack of evidence to the contrary of that proposition. On the other hand, if Clinton really were an unearthly reptilian sent here to manipulate us into handing over America’s nuclear launch codes, she’s doing a fine job. Clinton has successfully cultivated a public image as an unapologetically liberal yet sensible and pragmatic candidate. When this image is compared to her actual record, however, it quite clearly exposes itself for the ruse it is. Whether this charade was constructed to cover for the unbridled narcissism of a mere human or to disguise a possible, true form as a scaly entity from the farthest depths of space is a matter of speculation.
Clinton’s stance on the matter of war may as well be, “I f---ing love it.” Whether it’s voting to invade Iraq or admitting to having engineered a 2009 coup against Honduras’ democratically elected government — plunging the country into chaos and murder, particularly femicide — Clinton’s record is clearly that of a war hawk.
Speaking of war, Clinton’s been a champion of the war on the poor. Back when Bill was president, she encouraged him to enact the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act, which effectively served to cripple welfare in this country. This was fresh off her tenure as a director of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. Since then, Clinton’s made many derogatory remarks against poor people and defined households with income up to $250,000 as middle class, all while raking in cash from the same banks who ruined our economy back in 2008.
All of these facts become even more infuriating when one considers Clinton’s shameless appropriation of feminism, as the reality of her policies should horrify anyone whose feminist icons aren’t also apolitical Top 40 artists. Yes, Clinton is a woman. So is Michelle Bachmann. As a feminist, I hold exactly zero qualms about criticizing a female candidate whose past, present and future policies harm women outside her immediate social stratum. That’s why I dread inevitably voting for her this November, lizard or not.
Alec Carver is a UF history junior. His column appears on Fridays.
