For a city that prides itself in being environmentally friendly, Gainesville is about to get a heap of garbage dumped on it — hate-spewing, bigoted, “Christ-loving” garbage.
It’s been announced that the Westboro Baptist Church, a homophobic cult of inbred hillbillies from Kansas, will be coming to our hedonistic hellhole of a city to “save us” April 18.
These are the same people who picket outside the funerals of slain American soldiers with signs that say “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “God Hates Cripple Soldiers.”
How bad are these people? They were repulsive enough to make Fox News’ liberal-bashing leprechaun Sean Hannity call Shirley Phelps-Roper, whose father, Fred, founded the church, “sick” and a “twisted human being.” These sacks of biblical excrement make our furniture-dealing, hate-mongering token crazies at the Dove World Outreach Center look like the Osmonds on Vicodin.
We don’t care if you believe in God, L. Ron, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that very handsome black guy in the Old Spice commercials riding the horse backward or nobody at all — these people need to be stopped. This isn’t about whether you go to bed at night with a man, woman or goat; this is about preventing our city from being infected with a group of people who should’ve been cut down by the scythe of natural selection a long time ago.
Whatever it takes short of ending up in handcuffs to stand up to these people, do it. If it means making signs of your own, color away. If it means calling upon Moses, Brigham Young or Morgan Freeman for divine intervention, pray away. If it means shedding all your garments, jumping into piles and creating massive coitus carnivals so repulsive that it drives them back west, thrust away.
Just don’t try to appeal to their hearts; there’s nobody home.
