It’s Friday night and you’re at Midtown. A few drinks already in your system, you lock eyes with someone across the bar. Talking leads to dancing, which leads to making out, which leads to inviting them back to your place.
Or, maybe you’ve been seeing someone for a while. You really like them as a person, and you want to show them just how much you like them. So you invite them over to wine and dine them before you, ahem, do something that rhymes with that.
No matter which pick-your-own-sexual-adventure choices got you there, you realize: “Hell yeah, I’m about to have sex.”
Except that you’ve never had sex with this person before. This is all uncharted territory. What will they expect from me? What if it’s not good? Why am I reading this newspaper article in the bathroom while they’re waiting for me in my bed?
First off, relax. I get it — hooking up with someone for the first time can be nerve-wracking. It’s a whole new body to explore, plus a whole new set of likes and dislikes to figure out.
You don’t want the sex to be terrible because that will set the tone for future X-rated encounters. Your partner is probably just as nervous about you, though, whether for better — you both take your time exploring each other and laugh about the inevitable mishaps — or for worse — you both are so nervous that it’s clumsy, three-minute sex just for the sake of having it.
To prevent the latter, here are some tips.
Most importantly, have fun. What’s the point of having sex if you’re not enjoying yourself?
Something awkward is bound to happen — your partner can’t get your bra off, your stomachs rub together and make a really weird noise, you fall off the bed — but just laugh it off. A good sense of humor will make the whole thing more enjoyable and will lessen your nerves.
On that note, just go with the flow of the night. It’s OK to be nervous, but don’t be so nervous that you’re uptight and standoffish. This should go for any sexual act, not just the first one, but you should be in the moment rather than wondering, “Is my performance okay? Are they having fun? Can they tell that I ate a whole pizza by myself for dinner?”
Do your best to make sure they’re having fun — this means you might actually have to talk to them and ask them what they like and if you’re doing OK — but also relax and let yourself have fun, too.
But don’t feel pressured to make it the most fun night you’ve ever had. A popular downfall is that people feel sex should be amazing the first time. That might happen, but it’s more likely there’s a learning curve, and you’ll get better together over time. So don’t feel like you need to pull out whips and chains just yet. Stick to basics that you know and like. It won’t be a disappointment that you did it missionary style rather than trying the inverted piledriver on one leg while rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same time.
Still, be sensitive to what your partner likes. Even if you’ve only known them for 15 minutes, a quick, “What can I do that would really turn you on?” wouldn’t be amiss. For your first time, you’re probably not going to know that your partner can only orgasm from reverse cowgirl position, so to err on the safe side, draw out foreplay and ask for feedback: “Does this feel good? Is there anything else you want to try?”
If both people are into the action, though, you’re going to have fun. Just relax, and don’t pay too much mind to the fact that it’s your first time together. Happy hooking up, and may your first time lead to seconds, thirds, fourths and many more after that.
Got any questions too embarrassing for the Internet or your friends? Send them in to opinions@alligator.org. I’ll write about them next week.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her column appears on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 1/30/2015 under the headline “Making the first time more comfortable"]
