Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and -
OMG! Is that the pope?!
OMG! It is the pope.
Pope Benedict XVI concluded his six-day U.S. visit by celebrating Mass in Yankee Stadium on Sunday with a crowd of more than 57,000. OMG! Arena Catholics unite.
But no papal shindig in the States would be complete without CNN commentators.
One newscaster in the bleachers was really excited before the pope arrived: "We got a papal pep rally goin' on down here, if you will." No, thank you. I will not.
Other analysts talked about the pope's kindness and candor, his "humility, sincerity and selflessness." I know, right? It's like he's the pope or something.
And for visuals, look at the dove-shaped puppets flocking during the pre-show. Amazing.
I especially appreciated comments about the weather: how the pope's arrival always seems to stop rain clouds and usher in clear skies. If only the pope could hang out along the Gulf Coast during hurricane season …
Oh, I almost forgot about the Mercedes-Benz known as the popemobile. Couldn't they have come up with a more sophisticated name? That's only a letter away from the car Batman drives.
What about Holy Wheels? Or Papal Rider? Catholic Cruiser? Just throwing them out there.
Before the Mass, the pope's wheels took a lap around the stadium. After parking in a really great spot up front (he backed the car in so he could get out quicker after Mass), the pope approached the ornate, diamond-shaped altar.
TV cameras caught a cute kid reaching out to give the Holy Father a high five, but some lady pushed him away. Real nice. What would Jesus do?
Anyway, the last time so many people prayed in Yankee Stadium was [insert last time Yankees lost a World Series game].
And I haven't heard that much applause at a Catholic Mass since [insert last time Jesus himself appeared at a Mass].
Still, I can't decide which is more boring: a baseball game or a religious service. Either way, there's that moment when you think, "This could go on forever."
But it won't be the distribution of nearly 60,000 communion wafers that puts us behind schedule. We've got 530 priests and 15 minutes. Begin.
All right, Holy See, Yankee Stadium is great, but you should totally come to the Swamp. That there's a real crowd.
But regardless of the better venue, why didn't the pope come to Florida? He is 81, after all, and we have a ton of retirement communities down here.
OK, sorry, that was a cheap shot. And I know the pope doesn't like anything cheap.
Check out that solid gold crucifix the size of your face hanging from his neck. It would make any gangsta rapper jealous. Sweeeet!
You see, each article of religious clothing symbolizes a different part of the faith. Together, all of them symbolize the Catholic Church is rich.
Pope-y had that apple-bottom alb (alb), hat with gold rim (with gold rim). The whole club was lookin' at him … Wait, why's the thurible (incense holder) only silver?
And that ring on his finger - oh my goodness. Hello, three months worth of God's wages. That guy must make a killing.
As for using this wealth to feed the increasing number of hungry children worldwide: Kids are picky eaters whose palates aren't mature enough to appreciate the taste of solid gold.
Vincent Massaro is a journalism senior. His column appears on Mondays.
