With final exams and project deadlines just around the bend, the Department of Darts & Laurels officially declares this weekend the one last hurrah of the spring semester.
So get your drinking boots on and saddle up for two glorious evenings of debauchery while imagining that we call West Hollywood home rather than North Central Florida. Whether your latest flavor of the month tastes like the grittiness of Gator City or the sophistication of Sharab, just keep in mind the oh-so sexy demands of academia will soon be whispering your name.
Before we head to the Oaks Mall to score the freshest in Affliction gear, we proudly present you this week's make-sure-to-keep-your-BAC-below-your-GPA-while-raging edition of Darts & Laurels
Word out of London reveals controversy beyond Michelle Obama's horrifying decision to touch Queen Elizabeth on her back. For breaking into a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland and smashing windows, the Department of Darts & Laurels hurls a you-guys-lost-any-hint-of-credibility-the-second-you-started-destroying-property DART at the G-20 summit protesters. We completely support the right to voice his or her opinion in a public forum, but please don't go and take such freedoms for granted by channeling your inner anarchist.
For one New Jersey man unable to quench his thirst for Hennessy cognac, the second best option was letting out a cry. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a we-can-safely-assume-you-listen-to-Yanni-while-taking-bubble-baths LAUREL to Edwin Calix for showing his sensitive side after being arrested for attempting to rob a liquor store. There's nothing wrong with a grown man shedding a few tears. Hell, we know a certain 22-year-old graduate student who's returned to work misty-eyed after watching an episode of "Gossip Girl."
Giving an entirely new meaning to the question "so what kind of car do you drive?" one man's utterly unique mode of transportation has left him facing the wrath of the long arm of the law. For crashing his motorized bar stool after consuming 15 beers, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a you're-an-idiot-but-when-the-trial-is-over-can-you-build-us-one? DART at Kile Wygle. It doesn't matter if you're driving a car or a glorified lawn mower - driving drunk remains completely inexcusable.
A casual conversation involving "Olympics" typically conjures imagery of world-class athletes - not exactly Kevin from "The Office." The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a what-a-truly-novel-approach-to-lighten-a-miserable-situation LAUREL to the creators of the Unemployment Olympics for providing an event in which jobless New Yorkers could blow off some steam with like-minded folks. With games like "pin the tail on the boss" and "race toward unemployment," we can safely assume the event was a roaring success for all involved.
The latest in the rat saga currently occupying the minds of UF students everywhere reveals a turn for the worst. For spreading fear throughout the newsroom and making a meal out of our beloved keyboards, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a the-only-cool-rat-was-Splinter-from-Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtles DART at the Alligator rats. We can only imagine coming back to work on Sunday to find the entire building in shambles after the rats learned word of our unwillingness to coexist.
We can't verify, but we're pretty sure there were construction worker rats (on strike nonetheless!) in an episode of "Doug" that were pretty sweet too.
Health nuts argue that organic cereal is a great alternative to sugary offerings like Captain Crunch - but when was the last time the ol' Captain made phone sex happen? The Department of Darts & Laurels awards an excuse-us-while-we-hit-up-Mother-Earth-to-buy-a-box LAUREL to Peace Cereal for putting children everywhere on the fast track to puberty thanks to an oversight printed on their boxes. Nothing like one incorrect digit in the company's 800 number resulting in a sexy voice inquiring if the caller loves sex.
You can safely assume what we'll be eating for breakfast from now on. That's all for this week. Enjoy the weather.
