Last Friday, in its edition of Darts and Laurels, the Alligator mentioned, “There were a lot of lessons to learn this week.” Of course, last week passed, but I can’t help but share what valuable lessons I also learned.
For starters, I learned that if you’re incapable of arguing with a group of people that expresses an opinion different from your own, you can publish a patronizing piece, belittling said group of people by pointing out their illiteracy, ironically. I also learned that grammar, spelling and syntax are totally fair game in a spirited debate about gun control. From now on, I will be wary of words that are popularly misspelled.
Is gun control hyphenated or not?
Additionally, I realized that the point of the column was just a gross oversimplification of the way we read it — the first time.
Also, I ask that you leave your derisive dictionary at the door, along with your condescending crowbar. Until then, I will try my best to avoid physical altercations with grown men who maliciously enter into my apartment unannounced. A .38-caliber handgun should temporarily subdue my aggressor — or so I learned.
Which leads me to my next point: If your violent 6-year-old child makes a gun gesture during a harmless game of pretend, don’t be surprised when you receive a call from the Politically Correct Police, telling you your child was suspended from school.
That’s right. According to an article on Fox News’ website, “Two 6-year-old boys from Maryland were suspended from school for making gun gestures during a harmless game of pretend.”
According to the article, the incident wasn’t the first of its kind. Last month, Rodney Lynch was suspended from his school for making the same gesture.
In all honesty, I believe the teachers were right to suspend the children. Why? Because even though a 6-year-old child doesn’t possess the psychological capacity to understand why making such a gesture would perturb adults, the act itself is mean. Therefore, it’s wrong.
Furthermore, I would like to support the need for stricter, more sensible thumb control legislation. Although there is no law that can prevent every senseless act of gesturing, we have a fundamental obligation to try.
Therefore, I have put together a list of practical thumb safety measures; actions to combat the thumb-obsessed culture we live in; steps that will keep guns — I mean thumbs — out of the hands of the obedient — I mean the disobedient.
First, it’s time we restore a ban on bully-style assault phalanges, even though a similar ban, circa 1994, was effectively ineffective. Research by a former thumb control advocate in his 1998 opus, “More Thumbs, Less Crime,” found no impact on pretend crime from these bans. We will ignore these findings.
Second, we must also implement a high-capacity extremities ban. As it turns out, Lynch was carrying a Pointermaster .223: a highly lethal limb that, when paired with a “pow!” can inflict maximum psychological damage. Unfortunately, his school in Montgomery County had some of the most stringent laws on thumb control in the classroom. Nothing could have prevented this tragedy.
Now, this will be difficult. There will be students who will say, “If thumbs hurt people, then logically, apples make teachers fat and tug-of-war causes kids to lose.”
They want to gin up fear. They want to eliminate thumb-free zones.
And they want to increase the amount of children who are capable of concealed gesturing. This may spur a movement to oppose opposable thumbs!
We must fight back.
Erik Skipper is an economics sophomore at UF. His column runs on Wednesdays. You can contact him via opinions@alligator.org.
