We know, all of the readers out there thought we bottomed out with a Marshall-East Carolina debate last week.
But you severely underestimated our ability to stomach and debate terrible college football here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column.
So this week, we’re going even lower than C-USA.
This week, we’ll argue about two teams in the saddest division in all the land — the Southeastern Conference East.
No. 20 South Carolina is the only team in the division with less than three loses and an AP ranking in front of its name.
The Gamecocks, the class of this pathetic group of underachievers, take on the Volunteers at home this week with a monster spread to cover.
Tennessee has really had a rough go of things since the season-opening drubbing of perennial powerhouse Tennessee-Martin.
Needless to say, like the SEC East, we’ve hit a new low this season.
South Carolina (-17.5) will cover the spread because…
Unlike Anthony, I don’t bet on a head coach who compares his team to Nazis and players who aren’t good enough to make a bowl game at the end of the season. Anthony can identify with Tennessee, sure. They’re both lovable losers incapable of harming so much as a fly, but I really see no reason to pick the Volunteers this week.
I know Chiang is pumped for the start of basketball season (by pumped I mean spending a lot of time alone with his life-sized posters of the Big Three, or as he likes to call them, “my best friends.”) but as long as these two schools are playing football this Saturday, South Carolina should run away in a laughter.
— KYLE MAISTRI
Tennessee (+17.5) will cover the spread because...
It’s basketball season, man. I have basketball fever and Tennessee is a powerhouse in the hoops world. I can’t go away from them. Plus the Vols are not going to lose by more than two touchdowns. The Gamecocks are led by Steve Spurrier, who will undoubtedly sub out his quarterback after one interception, and Tennessee will feast on their backup signal-caller. Kyle, if you really were a “huge” basketball fan like you said you were, you would have picked the Vols. I’m disappointed.
— ANTHONY CHIANG
Now, on to the picks!
In first place with a 43-35 record is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “The static makes my hair pop” Niebuhr, who has a habit of rubbing the top of his head against his laptop screen when he’s not busy watching YouTube videos during soccer games he’s supposed to be covering.
Knocked off his lofty first-place perch and nuzzling up to Keith’s rear at 41-37 is alligatorSports assistant editor Tyler “The Heat are great… for me to poop on!” Jett, who is all jazzed up about having a team to root against for the whole season. We get it, Buc Nasty, you take joy in other people’s pain. Jheri curl your hair, put on some purple and bust out the cane because you’re officially the alligatorSports Playa Hater of the Year.
Also in second is the Alligator’s Kyle “Does this mohawk make my ass look big?” Maistri, who’s considering a change of hairstyle for the start of intramural softball playoffs next week.
Next, at 40-38, is the alligatorSports editor Anthony “This is my happy place” Chiang, who assured us his life would be filled with joy as the Heat finally tipped off its season. If five big, sweaty black guys make him happy, who are we to judge?
Straddling the fence at 39-39 is the Alligator’s Mike “I will be late/don’t stay up and wait for me” McCall, who thinks its cool to put Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync lyrics in his Facebook statuses. God must’ve spent a little less time on you, Mike.
Leading the charge of bad pickers at 37-41 is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “I told you guys domestication can be fun” Aschoff, who made a quick transition from his old single ways. No more late weekday nights at midtown or knocking back a few beers with the boys after a game of football. The only playin’ he’s doing now involves Dinosaur trivia.
Also at 37-41 is the Miami Herald’s Joe “I don’t have time for this, man” Goodman, who was too busy coining descriptive phrases for LeBron’s right calf muscle to make his picks this week. We gave him McCall’s picks, which should be adequate punishment.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 35-43 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Rain check” Jones, who can’t pry himself away from watching baseball and checking his fantasy teams long enough to attend any social gatherings. Why don’t you trade Peyton Hillis for a life, Cody?
