With the eyes of the world watching, a spoonful of sugar will make the Dark Lord go down in London on Friday. Actually, it will take several spoons.
As part of a sequence featuring famous characters from British literature, The Sunday Times is reporting that 30 women dressed as Mary Poppins will descend from the rafters with open umbrellas to defeat a 40-foot tall version of “Harry Potter” antagonist Lord Voldemort in a grand finale at the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympics.
My first reaction: holy [expletive], that is awesome!
After that, I began to think. My world had been turned upside down. What other earth-shattering clashes now seemed possible in the wake of such a bold move by our friends across the pond? Here is a sports-themed take:
Jeremy Lin vs. Tim Tebow — Ah, what better way to make two fading stars relevant again than an all-out battle royale broadcasted exclusively on ESPN2? I am thoroughly convinced I have just described Skip Bayless’s wet dream — Linsanity vs. Tebowmania.
LeBron James vs. Cam Newton — I’m not sure what this one-on-one matchup would entail, but doesn’t it just sound awesome? James and Newton are arguably the two best athletes in professional sports today. How about an obstacle course filled with throngs of angry Cavaliers fans and Harvey Updyke clones?
Usain Bolt vs. Michael Phelps — Who would win in a race between the fastest man on land and the fastest man in water? If it is a 30m race, I’m putting my money on an intoxicated Mickey Rourke. Maybe we should advocate some crossing over in Olympic events before the show gets started in London.
Phil Jackson vs. Nick Saban — Imagine: an oatmeal crème pie-fueled android from the future takes on the ultimate Zen master in a strategic showdown for the ages. Sounds like a Steven Spielberg movie, right? This head-to-head battle would feature two of the greatest coaching minds in modern sports history. In a word, it would be historic.
Now that I have had my fun with the sports world at large, here are some Gators matchups that came to mind and sounded pretty awesome:
Lauren Embree vs. Kristy Jaeckel — There would be a lot of firepower in a contest between the UF volleyball team’s kills leader and arguably the best player in women’s collegiate tennis. This would require the ball to magically transform from a volleyball to a tennis ball and vice versa every time it crossed the net, but I’ll allow it. This is all wild fantasy anyway.
Kitty Cullen vs. Mike Zunino — No player has put more balls past goalies in the three-year history of the Gators lacrosse program than Cullen. Put a lacrosse net behind home plate, give Zunino a bat and tell the All-American slugger to swing away.
Jordan Reed vs. Will Yeguete — Perhaps the biggest revelation for coach Billy Donovan’s team last season was the emergence of Yeguete as a defensive force. Let’s have the Frenchman guard tight end Jordan Reed, who will serve as a nice, big target for whomever lines up under center for Florida this season. Put the two on a football field with the dimensions of a basketball court in some sort of weird basketball-football crossover, and let the games begin.
My last fantasy matchup has nothing to do with sports, but just humor me here. It would be epic.
Batman vs. James Bond — This would be the showdown to end all showdowns. If I ever got to witness this battle of state-of-the-art gadgetry and cunning wit, nothing else would ever entertain me again. The sheer awesomeness of a Batman-Bond brawl would leave mere mortals like you and me shaken — not stirred.
While I have declined to give my take on the previous matchups listed, I cannot hold my tongue when it comes to this classic clash.
In the end, I believe the Dark Knight rises.
This may all seem a little crazy — and stupid — because, frankly, it is. However, simultaneously, fictional battles between characters of different genres at the Olympics sound awesome. I like it. In fact, I like it so much, I will put five rings on it.
Contact Joe Morgan at joemorgan@alligator.org.
