I think it’s fair to say there are few phrases in the English language that are more emotionally loaded than “I love you.” For that matter, it’s probably fair to say there are few phrases that are more regularly abused and misused than those three words.
That’s not a particularly bold statement to make, I know. After all, people talk about how the language of love has been cheapened by all aspects of our culture: lyrics to banal pop songs that use the phrase for its rhymability; movies and TV shows that render every expression of affection as an embarrassing cliche; and advertising that reduces the phrase to a cute, manipulative coda to a jewelry commercial or a wireless carrier.
Others may decry how overused the word “love” is. They argue that we whip out the word in all manner of situations — I love this infomercial! I love this YouTube video! I love eating at Chili’s! — so much that it throws into question just how meaningful being the recipient of an “I love you” could possibly be: “I’m really glad you love me and all, but you said the same thing about an Awesome Blossom yesterday, so I really don’t know what to do with that.”
Even when an “I love you” is directed at someone whom you actually love, the phrase can have a tendency to become meaningless through reflexivity — the sort of unthinking “I love yous” that come at the end of phone calls or e-mails.
Worse still, an “I love you” can all too easily just become shorthand for something entirely different, like, “I’m tired of arguing, and I want to end this conversation, but I still think you’re wrong.” Or, “I kind of want to have sex tonight, and I think this is what you want to hear.” Or, “I want something from you, and maybe me saying this will make you feel guilty enough to give it to me.” Or, “I don’t actually love you, but I’m willing to pretend because maybe if I say it enough, it’ll magically become true.” (Just a heads up: it doesn’t.)
However, not using the phrase can be just as bad as using it too often. Perhaps as a response to the alacrity with which some people dole out “I love yous,” others may feel compelled to guard their use of the phrase with overzealous caution, as though they’ve got a finite number of them to hand out.
But I’d argue that not saying it also cheapens the phrase by setting nonexistent or unrealistic restrictions on who gets to hear it. Do you care about someone in a deep, personal, substantial way and act accordingly? Does it make you happy to see them happy? Do they draw out a more selfless, more understanding part of you? Well, damn — that might be love, and withholding an “I love you,” at least anecdotally, has a tendency to be among the things people most regret.
All this is to say, I think we sometimes have a strange relationship with the phrase “I love you.” Some of this may be over-thinking it; it is, after all, just three words, and like over-analyzing a joke, dissecting them with too much intensity could kill the spirit of it.
But it’s worth at least some examination, because how we use the phrase “I love you” can be a reflection of what we mean when we say we love someone. To be sure, loving someone means something more than just feeling strongly; there’s a reason words like “crush” exist, after all.
Love isn’t so much felt as it is demonstrated, and that’s maybe the best guidance for determining the role of “I love yous”: they’re not just meant to be cavalierly thrown out, but saying it shouldn’t earn a breaking news chyron or anything.
Ideally, all an “I love you” should be is a quiet affirmation, spoken aloud, of what your actions already made clear.
Joe Dellosa is an advertising senior. His columns appear on Tuesdays.
