Praise whatever God you do or don’t choose to believe in — it’s Spring Break!
We’re going to cut to the chase because the only thing standing between us and one glorious week of freedom is this week’s we-know-none-of-you-are-reading-this-because-you’re-already-off-gallivanting-at-the-beach edition of Darts & Laurels. But don’t think for a second that just because Spring Break is here our hearts aren’t heavy.
Those filthy thieves who stole our distribution vehicle have really put a damper on things, and we’re holding a grudge. That’s why we’re gathering a bunch of DARTS, welding them to a steel strip to make road spikes and hoping the dirty Alligator Vandits drive over them (but not with Van of course).
While we’re on the subject of sketchy individuals, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to shoot out an it’s-all-going-to-come-to-the-surface-eventually DART to the multitude of UF’s secret keepers.
Don’t be lulled into a false sense of complacency over break. We’ve got reporters working on a story, and we’re going to figure things out — you know what we’re talking about University Police Department.
On a happier note, Sunday marked the end of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics and a very successful run for Team USA.
Among the gold winners was UF alumnus Steve Mesler, who helped the four-man bobsled team to its first gold medal in bobsledding since 1948.
Therefore, we’d like to give a thanks-for-giving-The-Gator-Nation-one-more-thing-to-brag-about LAUREL to Steve Mesler.
And just when you thought it was safe to go back to your pre-SG-elections, pre-Renew-Your-Reitz-hullabaloo life, the Department of Darts and Laurels is here to show you, well, it’s not.
We’re going to hand out two more DARTS before our break begins.
The first is going to all the whiny individuals who aren’t happy with our coverage of the “SG audio tape scandal.”
Well we’ve got some news for you, just because we had a fair and unbiased story regarding those tapes doesn’t make us bad journalists.
So stop questioning our integrity, and stop telling us to be more like the University of Central Florida’s paper, whose headline, “Scandal rocks UF Student Government” is sensational and untrue.
That’s why we’re going to throw a round of contrary-to-popular-belief-we’re-not-a-tabloid-and-actually-practice-ethical-journalism DART to all those SG complainers.
We prefer not to be threatened with lawsuits.
And last, but certainly not least, for the 17 people who are still in Gainesville the day before Spring Break, (extra-special condolences to those whose professors sadistically scheduled an exam today) you might notice that UF pulled another fast one on us Thursday.
Our beloved Noodle Bar, purveyor of greasy-bottomed, sauce-saturated noodle bowls and seafood of very questionable origin, was stricken down in its prime for a younger, hotter, prettier Panda Express, which UF alleges will be ready by Summer B.
So, for stripping us of our indie-feeling, sweaty-cook sauce noodle and sushi bar for a corporate, mass-produced, sodium-soaked, calorie-crammed, Panda Express, we’re throwing a big it’s-not-even-close-to-being-good-enough-and-we’re-still-pissed-about-Wendy’s DART to Aramark, UF’s food provider, for not even asking us before pulling the plug.
And Papa John’s? We’re not even going to start on that one.
With that being said, be safe and don’t get arrested.
