Staying dry, Gainesville? Yeah, we didn’t think so. Well at least we hope that after using your free copy of the Alligator to dry off your drenched hair you’ll be in the mood to read this week’s edition of…Darts and Laurels.
This week we’ve got quite an eclectic collection of subjects to tackle, but we’ll start off with the grimier topics.
Do you believe that sexual relations between an adult and a 13-year-old boy are unnatural and predatory? Well, we agree. Except, it seems a certain 34-year-old woman from Seffner, Florida, doesn’t quite share this opinion, following her consummations of such relations not once, not twice, but four times. Donna Doreen Colon, your actions are what we would constitute as very, very wrong. Officers haven’t released the names of the boy or his mother of course, but it must have been an incredibly awkward moment for the mother who discovered her child was in the midst of a tryst.
We’ll go ahead and slap a dart on account of 12 counts of lewd battery and three counts of lewd or lascivious molestation.
Seriously, that’s nasty.
Next up, I’m sure most of our readers have long gotten over their Fourth of July hangovers, but one musician’s still working it over. A 22-year-old by the name of Lane Pittman was rocking out to our national anthem on his guitar, drawing a crowd of 200 cheering Americans, when Neptune Beach Police Officers thought it was good time to arrest the man for disturbing the peace. As in arresting Pittman for playing the national anthem. On the Fourth of July. Before a cheering and happy crowd.
Yeah, we’re just going to throw a dart at the Neptune Beach Officers involved for reasons I hope we don’t need to explain.
All right, with that out of the way we’ll go ahead and talk about the cool stuff.
We’d like to applaud the efforts of the U.S. delegation currently negotiating with Iran over its nuclear policy for surviving 18 months on a diet of Twizzlers, Rice Krispies Treats and sweet, sweet coffee. Collectively, our negotiating team has consumed 30 pounds of nuts, 10 pounds of strawberry Twizzlers, 20 pounds of string cheese, more than 200 Rice Krispies treats, and hella coffee (1 hella=100 espresso pods).
For surviving 18 months without being subjected to horrific medical problems due to your diet we’ll plant a laurel upon Team America. God bless you poor souls.
Lastly. Holy Mother of God we’ve got design plans for colonizing Mars — and then we want to make a reality television show out of it. Yup, this is America all right. We do something awesome, and then we negate any bit of pride by choosing to liken ourselves to the Kardashians. OK, that’s probably a stretch. I suppose we can only hope this reality show educates us rather than dissolving our brain cells one at a time until the contents of our brain resemble tapioca pudding left out in the sun for way too long. OK, maybe that’s also a stretch.
Nonetheless, it’s a pretty cool confirmation that our generation is living in the future, and for making a step forward toward de-fictionalizing science fiction we’ll award a laurel to thy name.
[A version of this story ran on page 6 on 7/9/15]
