Once upon a time, we had time to sleep. But unfortunately, school has taken precedence over the rest we would prefer to have. We haven't seen our pillows since Wednesday, and our mothers think we're dead. Still, we trudge through this cesspool of a semester to deliver you a we-didn't-think-it-was-possible-to-function-on-five-hours-of-sleep-every-two-days-until-we-tried edition of...
Darts & Laurels
And guess what? It's not.
In case you haven't heard, UF's nine-time All-America gymnast Melanie Sinclair was arrested Wednesday after police said she stashed guns stolen by her boyfriend during a burglary spree. For not realizing that her boyfriend was up to no good when he brought over a cut-open safe and a bunch of guns, we launch a did-you-seriously-not-think-something-was-up? DART at Melanie Sinclair.
You set the standards on the bars. It's time to raise your own.
While on the subject of arrests, a local man was arrested at a local swimming pool Wednesday for slapping a woman's butt after she turned him down. He was also issued warnings for trespassing at the Constans Theatre and Sorority Row on Oct. 9. For being a total creeper and violating a woman's personal space, we throw a wonder-if-you-know-the-mobile-masturbator DART at Jason Zeid.
We predict there will be some Razorback-side kicking in the Swamp on Saturday. Here's a preemptive hope-you-start-to-throw-the-ball LAUREL at the Gators for the team's victory.
For actions that led to a deluge of biblical proportions in Riker Hall on Saturday, we shoot a didn't-your-mother-teach-you-to-play-with-your-balls-outside? DART at the football-fail kids who are too childish to own up to their actions.
This year's Gator Growl promises to be more entertaining than the past few. For selecting performers who might actually draw a crowd, we give a we-actually-thought-about-going-this-year LAUREL to Gator Growl. But to go so far as to call O.A.R. a "legendary rock band"? Sure, they've been around since 1996, but languishing in obscurity for the better part of a decade doesn't make you matter.
A 6-year-old Colorado boy duped his parents, national broadcasters and the National Guard by tricking them into thinking he was flying in his parents' homemade helium balloon (which looked more like a failed flying saucer). For hiding in a cardboard box in the attic while the nation watched him "die," we award a that-was-the-most-epic-game-of-hide-and-seek-EVER LAUREL to Falcon Heene.
And to his parents, we toss a what-else-would-you-expect-from-a-boy-named-Falcon LAUREL for, well, naming him Falcon.
Despite having darted you last week for your steamy ways, we've had a change of heart. For finally cooling your heels and letting us not die at the football game on Saturday, we give a can't-wait-to-complain-about-how-cold-it-is-when-we're-downtown-Saturday-night LAUREL to Mother Nature.
Thanks for reading this week. Please send all complaints to thanksfortheconstructivecriticism@alligator.org. We love it when you call us communist, socialist, fascist, left-wing, right-brained, indoctrinating wannabe journalists who "love the gays" and can't get our facts straight.
This one's for you.
