February relationship series: communication, the instruction manual

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I am devoting the month of February to relationships. This month, we’ll talk about friendship, love and what makes for healthy relationships of all kinds. I can think of no better way to begin than with the foundation of every relationship and the most valuable tool you will ever learn to use: communication.

In a nutshell, communication has two parts: letting your needs be known and listening to the needs of others. Quality communication, however, requires more than that. Truly communicating with other people and building sound, healthy relationships requires a great deal of courage.

There is an old analogy about a married couple. One day the wife comes home from work and finds her husband watching TV. The husband says hello and continues watching TV. Suddenly the wife is upset with him. She is frustrated that he does not stop what he is doing to ask about her day.

A common reaction to this analogy is to side with the wife and to hold that the husband should know what she wants and act accordingly. What many people in lasting relationships have found, however, is that even those closest to them cannot always know what they want.

There is a common belief that if someone who loves you has to be asked for a specific expression of love, that expression is less valuable. We believe that “true love” is something that comes naturally.

The truth is that every kind of relationship requires a certain amount of work in order to thrive. Each of us comes from a wildly different background, and we have been taught to express our love in different ways. Just because we don’t always see eye to eye doesn’t mean we don’t care deeply for one another, and the person who loves you will listen to your needs.

If the wife in this story tells her husband that it would make her feel loved if he would immediately stop and talk with her when she gets home, the husband is no less loving for doing this after being asked instead of anticipating that need.

While the story is meant to be a lesson about romantic relationships, it applies to all interactions. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant, sit down and expect the chef to start making your favorite dish. You have to tell someone what you want in order to get it.

Asking for the things you want requires a certain courage. It is natural to fear rejection. Courage and communication are skills that require practice. Just as a boxer must learn not to fear being hit, you must come to realize that, most often, the worst that can happen is that someone says, “no” and that you will recover. What is more, being rejected has under-appreciated rewards. After trying countless unsuccessful materials for the first light bulb, Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

With rejection comes the remarkable gift of clarity. When you ask for the things you want and are denied, you learn which kinds of people you may not mesh well with, you learn what approach is not likely to succeed, and you learn what requests may not be reasonable. Given that, you are free to try again.

Until now I’ve focused on expressing your own needs, but communication has two parts. If you care for someone, be a safe haven for them to express what they want. Listen, and let them tell you what you can do to show you care. Love someone in your own way, but do it in their way, too.

Relationships of all kinds require work, and they must be built. Communication is the instruction manual, and you won’t get far without it.

This column is the first in a series of four.

David Billig is a UF linguistics master’s student. His column appears on Wednesdays.