With a mere month remaining in the semester, the Department of Darts & Laurels is starting to worry about our currently nonexistent plans for the summer.
We're not talking about renting a lake house a la "American Pie" or crafting the perfect routine to sport 6-pack abs by July - no, we're talking about a paid internship.
Yes, those two magical words that seem to be paired together less than the Gator men's basketball team and the NCAA tournament.
As we scour Craigslist in search of intellectually driven work featuring living wages, we feign a smile with this week's too-bad-our-parents-can't-just-buy-us-an-internship edition of Darts & Laurels
Leave it to the state of Florida for setting an all-time low by suspending a student from the school bus for a severe bout of flatulence. For making Jonathan Locke Jr. walk to school simply because he fancies himself some beans, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a we-LOL'd-when-we-heard-the-bus-driver-couldn't-breathe DART at Polk County School officials. We wonder why he couldn't have just cracked a few windows?
Hell, if it had been us, we would've saved the fart to drop on an unsuspecting teacher in the hallway.
When Bangkok fireman Somchai Yoosabai heard news that a comic-loving child had unsafely wandered onto a third-floor balcony, he had just the plan. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a can-you-climb-walls-and-shoot-webs? LAUREL to the Spider-Man fireman, for channeling his inner Peter Parker and rocking the red, black and blue tights to coax the young boy off the ledge. Just another day at the office for man who dons an Ultraman costume to spice up fire drills at schools.
No word on whether Marvel Comics has offered him a contract yet.
Responding to countless questions related to the topic, President Barack Obama took a stance on pot during his virtual town hall meeting sure to disappoint many of his supporters. For failing to see the positive economic implications of legalizing marijuana across the country, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a we-are-talking-about-the-possibility-of-billions-of-dollars-here DART at President Barack Obama. Something tells us that "Barry" wouldn't have minded a few tokes on the ol' pipe to relaxe his muscles after a rough-and-tumble game of hoops.
Members of Equality is Gainesville's Business can thank an unlikely source for helping defeat Charter Amendment 1. The Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents a Gainesville-couldn't-have-done-it-without-you LAUREL to the students of UF for swarming the polls to vote in Tuesday's city election. To put things in perspective, nearly seven times more voters made their opinion count than in the previous stand-alone election.
And to think, the city didn't even need cheesy videos from Diddy encouraging students to rock the vote.
What began as a heartfelt congratulations to the UF football team for winning the BCS championship ended in a viral video sensation sweeping YouTube. For embarrassing The Gator Nation in front of the entire House of Representatives on Capitol Hill, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a his-name-is-Percy-Harvin-not-Percy-Harvey DART at Rep. Corrine Brown from the 3rd District of Florida. Let's do a quick fact check, it's Coach Urban Meyer, not Corch Urban Meyers, as Brown so eloquently states during her speech.
The Department of Darts & Laurels gives back the balance of our time. Instead of simply sparing their loose pocket change for panhandlers, one father and son duo turned to the Internet to help those less fortunate than themselves. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a they-raised-$50,000-in-donations-in-less-than-two-months LAUREL to Kevin and Sean Dolan, for providing Timothy Edwards a new lease on life after decades of homelessness by paying him to promote their Web site, PimpThisBum.com. For Edwards, just carrying a sign baring the web address netted him $100 a day along with a free trip to rehab thanks to one generous donor visiting the site.
That's all for this week. "Go Gator!"
