Lake LeBegone.
Garrison Keillor’s famous fictional town was due for a 21st Century update. Luckily, King James made it possible.
No longer are “all the women strong, all the men good looking and all the children above average.”
Now their lives all suck. Well, according to LeBron anyways.
In what is becoming an annual summer tradition like the Kentucky Derby or a Kardashian engagement, the Pied Piper is in a world of Heat after having the audacity to go Rick James on his haters after shrinking in the playoffs again.
Antagonizing critics with, “I’m rich b**** and ya’ll better remember how much better my life is than yours” is not the way to address another failed opportunity.
Wait, should I clarify what I wrote?
How many times can LeBron say something stupid and then retract the same remarks one news cycle later?
His petulant whining is becoming increasingly maddening. James’ ignorant comments only provide further fodder for his detractors.
Citing “God’s plan” in a tweet is only added ammunition.
“God doesn’t care about the NBA Finals,” Jason Whitlock responded emphatically, and he’s hardly LeBron’s harshest heckler.
For years, I’ve rooted against The Chosen One, but I always thought he got a bad rap, overanalyzed and maliciously scrutinized.
No more.
Not after Game 5 against Boston in 2010. Not after The Decision and the ensuing celebration debacle. Not after he complained early in the season about how he didn’t expect this much vitriol when leaving Cleveland, only to turn right around and say screw the fans.
But most importantly, and especially, not after all the dancing, screaming, chest-bumping, hollering and lame-ass taunting during the regular season, only to disappear on the game’s biggest stage.
Basketball fans don’t want some sick metamorphosis of the zoo, David Copperfield and a Young Money concert. They want the world’s most talented basketball player to shut up, get better and play with a fire.
LeBegone needs to go away for a while and hope everyone forgets what they’ve witnessed.
*****
A few more Finals observations...
I don’t know which was weirder to watch: Dirk sprinting off the court after the Mavs won, or a healthy Chris Bosh goin’ down in the hallway like a velociraptor just attacked him. Did Bosh ever say what happened or was he breaking down because he was thinking, “Oh crap, they’re going to throw someone in the river and I’m the most logical choice?”
Truly, I was surprised Miami made it to the finals in year one of the X-Men experiment. They’ll win a championship, but if it doesn’t happen next year it’s going to be really, really awkward for LeBron and Wade to hang out on South Beach.
Unsurprisingly, all the Heat fans were MIA for the season’s biggest game. Mark Cuban calling them out on live TV was exactly why David Stern hates Cubes but most everyone else loves him.
The officiating was horrible in the series. For both teams. I guess the NBA operates like all the local news affiliates that constantly air Casey Anthony crap, “Well, hopefully no one minds their retinas burning and their brains exploding.”
I love that the Heat’s Erick Dampier was partying with the Mavericks after losing the NBA Finals. Nothing like stealing $73 million from Cuban and then saying, “I know I didn’t show up for the 2006 Finals and was always hurt, but let me help you finish that $90,000 bottle of champagne because I didn’t play against you.”
Finally, these Finals reminded us of one huge thing: You can mix bologna with three of the finest deli meats, but at the end of the day, you still just taste bologna.
