Spring Break is a storied, cherished tradition of hedonism, drunken idiocy and regrettable hookups. Shown so artfully in director Harmony Korine’s film “Spring Breakers” — which starred James Franco, UF’s most recent distinguished guest speaker — Florida is the definitive Spring Break destination for college students. For those grappling with existential fears and anxieties — or more likely, for those who never had any to begin with — Florida is one of the world’s premiere destinations to throw yourself into an ocean of pills, thrills and bellyaches.
As anyone who attended field trips through a Florida public school and/or religious youth group can tell you, our fine state has the widest assortment of family-friendly theme parks the U.S. has to offer. Universal Studios. Disney World. The Holy Land, for those of us who find the teachings of Jesus Christ to be a little more compelling than the secular joys of the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster. However, if these attractions are so great, why has not a single one of my friends mentioned theme parks in their Spring Break plans?
All of these theme parks are perfectly fine, respectable institutions in their own right, but are they enough to continue to lure in college-aged consumers? I know I speak for many UF students when I say that I spent much of my childhood in various Orlando theme parks. But many of the thrills I experienced there in my youth have dissipated on recent outings. Halloween Horror Nights, supposedly the peak attraction for young people seeking thrills, couldn’t do it for me, even with a Bubba Keg’s worth of vodka and cranberry juice in my system.
Even though my drunken Halloween Horror Nights experience did nothing for me, it did lead me on to an idea. Kids love theme parks because they present a sense of danger: At the age of 6, one doesn’t have the life experience or comprehension of the American legal system to understand that the roller coaster probably won’t kill them. Once those kids grow up, that healthy fear of death is often replaced with a love of alcohol. Now, in my estimation, the theme park industry’s refusal to cater directly to the interests of college students represents a large chunk of lost profit. If there were to be a theme park that combined a childish sense of fear of the attractions with the nihilistic thrill of drinking, I genuinely believe that this theoretical park would become a first-class destination for college students.
As such, I would like to present my proposal for such a park: Raccoon Lagoon. You know, like Toon Lagoon, but with raccoons. And I’m not talking about a raccoon mascot — Raccoon Lagoon would be the world’s first interactive raccoon zoo and aquatic theme park.
Upon entry to the park, customers would be treated to a refined wine and cheese gala. Once suitably drunk and full of rich delicacies, the patrons would be forcibly thrown into the wet, wild and anarchic world of Raccoon Lagoon. Once in the park, visitors would have to rely solely on their cunning and wit to enjoy the park without contracting rabies or having their food stolen. Between rides like Striped Tail Typhoon and Bandit’s Barge Ride, attendees can enjoy a relatively relaxed raccoon rest at Rascal’s Roundabout, the local saloon. Once there, visitors will be served pitchers of beer and crab rangoons by trained raccoons who have not submitted to the anarchy of the outside world. Spittoons and balloons will adorn Rascal’s Roundabout, all a prelude to the chaos and hullabaloo that waits outside.
After this article is published, I am anticipating vast interest from enterprising UF students looking to make their name in theme parks centered on nocturnal mammals. If you would like to reach me to discuss capital investments and sponsorship opportunities for Raccoon Lagoon, please do not hesitate to email the Alligator with the email subject line “We Demand Raccoon Lagoon.” In the meantime, I’ll be dreaming about such a Shangri-La. A hypothetical Spring Break trip to Raccoon Lagoon gets a 10 out of 10, would do again rating from me.
Zach Schlein is a UF political science junior. His column appears on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 6 on 2/27/2015 under the headline “Raccoon Lagoon: Spring Break adventure”]
