The U.S. government is just like a professional wrestling production.
Let’s get some terms out of the way. In wrestling, a “face” is a good guy, a “heel” is a bad guy, a “mark” is someone who thinks the production is real, a “smart” is someone who knows it’s fake, a “smark” is a combination of smarts and marks who know it’s for entertainment and watch for the spectacle, and a “push” is when the production tries to solidify a wrestler.
As I listed those terms, some people probably thought of their own politicians. Marks compare with those who vote purely on party line without researching issues, smarts vote based on as much of the information they have at hand, and smarks will probably do research but vote on party ideals. Campaigns and rallies are pushed by the party to get its candidate into office.
Some politicians even have wrestling counterparts.
President Barack Obama is the government’s John Cena, performing as the long-term face of the production in contests where the public cheers not for him or for his opponent but merely in support of or against him.
Ronald Reagan is The Rock — a superstar in his prime but now just a gimmick for those who were fans back in the day to parade as one of the best.
Lobbyists as a whole can be Ted DiBiase, Vince McMahon or any other heel whose entire shtick is being a jerk with money.
The dreaded filibuster is a chair shot, or a bone-jarring move that kills almost every attempt to pass legislation. An impeccably performed speech can be a finishing move, effectively ending a race for office.
The different ways to handle a veto can be called the Five Moves of Doom. The Fiscal Cliff? Easily a pay-per-view title. We can even borrow the WWE’s Million-Dollar Championship.
The presidential election? WrestleMania, and the main event is a tag-team contest. A moderator, who abused his or her power in a debate, is getting a referee involved.
A senator’s tweet put him in a compromising position? It’s like a superstar getting suspended for a wellness policy violation.
Wrestling and politics even intersect sometimes. Jesse Ventura went from wrestler to commentator to mayor, culminating in a stint as governor of Minnesota. Linda McMahon built WWE, alongside the rest of the McMahon family, but she lost two bids to become a Connecticut senator.
Back in 2008, during the Democratic primaries, WWE got into the game when it aired parts of a video-game-simulated match between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The “Smackdown Your Vote!” initiative was a push by WWE to get young voters involved in politics.
The problem is wrestling is scripted, and the results usually don’t affect the rest of the world outside the squared circle. The decision on who gets a title belt doesn’t impact a promotion in Japan. Our politics are greatly influential to the rest of the world, which is why it’s embarrassing to see our government reduced to a male-oriented soap opera.
I’m a huge fan of wrestling, and I thoroughly enjoy politics, too. I shouldn’t like them both because they’re the same thing. At this rate, we’re going to see Joe Biden take on John Boehner in a steel cage.
And I would pay money for that.
Logan Ladnyk is a journalism junior at UF. His column usually runs on Fridays. You can contact him via opinions@alligator.org.
