Walking toward the journalism and communications school in Weimer Hall, you feel the nagging buzz of news notifications in your pocket. You like to stay informed with apps like CNN and The New York Times, so you don’t mind the distraction. It’s probably yet another earth-shattering political story. The presidency is throwing out scandals and tweets faster than you can keep up with them. You cross into Weimer’s shade, into its leafy green atrium and notice the television tuned to CNN. Wolf Blitzer’s snowy beard, brilliant ivory hair and wise visage float above a headline reading:
Darts and Laurels
Let’s save the political news for last. We don’t need to upset half the audience right off the bat. We can begin with something more unifying, like our brave servicemen and servicewomen overseas. This past Wednesday, Air Force Sgt. John Chapman posthumously received the Congressional Medal of Honor for his outstanding bravery in Afghanistan, where he and a team of Navy SEALs raced back to rescue a comrade who had fallen from a helicopter. Chapman sacrificed himself, standing out in the open to distract an al-Qaeda machine gun team, to save others on an incoming U.S. military helicopter. A solemn and thankful laurel to Sgt. Chapman and the family he leaves behind. We are deeply indebted to them in a way that can never be repaid.
A dart to al-Qaeda for obvious reasons.
In other news, archeologists believe that a recent bone fragment found in a Siberian cave belongs to an ancient woman who was half Neanderthal and half Denisovan, two different branches of ancient humanity. A laurel to the scientists braving the Russian wilderness to dig up old bones. Though this discovery will have no bearing on our daily lives, it’s neat to think about different subspecies of human living on the earth simultaneously.
A dart to less glamorous scientists. Get out of the lab, nerds.
In the spirit of the first week of school, we’d like to disperse laurels to all the professors and lecturers who took their first class session easy. Many of us were unprepared to do anything else on the first day except stand to introduce ourselves. To the professors who thought it would be a good idea to assign homework on the first day: The semester does not move that fast.
What’s the rush? Why force your students, still reeling from the traumatic move-in process, to suffer the mental anguish of reading? You are accordingly awarded a dart for denying us a sweet, sweet syllabus week.
To the courageous freshmen braving the food at the dining halls, a well-deserved laurel. Though the food may not be world-class, take solace: The benefits of limitless pizza and Cinnamon Toast Crunch far outweigh any cost in quality. What else tastes better than all you can eat? Soon you will also learn the holy script, “Stop requested, for your safety…” and be educated on proper bus etiquette. Bus drivers are to be thanked. If you are crossing the street, look both ways and use crosswalks, if available. And never, under any circumstances, try to board the bus before others have gotten off, lest you feel the mighty wrath of a dart.
Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, and Paul Manafort, one of Trump’s campaign managers, were both charged with a succession of crimes Tuesday, including financial fraud and violation of campaign finance laws. This, to say the least, does not bode well for Trump’s chances of making it through his first term unimpeached. A laurel to all of us everyday people living through a political scandal more brazen and lurid than Watergate and apparently more law-abiding than most of Trump’s top advisors.
One final dart goes to Dennis, the ex-Turlington Dancer banned from campus for threatening a student, who still forces us to see his skin-tight shorts, only now on West University Avenue. It would not have been a true first week at UF had he not been screaming nonsense at students.
