After a semester of suburbia-suffering teens pulling pranks on unsuspecting Taco Bell employees to a tree shaped in the likeness of resident demigod Tim "Have you seen his girlfriend?" Tebow, the Department of Darts & Laurels refuses to believe it's time to bid you Freddy Adu.
Trust us when we tell you nothing (well…) is more liberating than having 17 inches per week to publicly humiliate and applaud the freaks, heroes and geeks newsworthy enough to grace the esteemed pages of The Independent Florida Alligator. Before we drown in a sea of our own tears because good-byes are oh-so-sad (insert crying here), the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's why-don't-we-hit-restart-and-pause-it-at-our-favorite-parts edition of Darts & Laurels.
Thanks to a worldwide economic downturn, unemployed mad scientists have channeled their inner villain, causing thousands of dollars in damage - at least in Britain. For hosing hundreds of unsuspecting children's books in London with a mixture of urine and feces, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a we-will-never-be-able-to-look-at-a-copy-of-Goodnight-Moon-again DART at Sahnoun Daifallah. The never-to-be-employed-again chemist will now have nine years behind bars to concoct his next diabolical scheme.
As connoisseurs of Gainesville's finest in late-night dining options, we do concede the allure of Domino's delivery in 30 minutes or less, but seriously, at what cost? The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a we-can-laugh-at-Domino's-expense-because-everybody-loves-David's-BBQ! LAUREL to Kristy Lynn Hammonds and Michael Anthony Setzer for using their bodies to add "special seasoning" while preparing sandwiches at a Domino's in North Carolina. Suddenly, preparing a home- cooked meal seems appealing.
If you ever find yourself in a disagreement with a man from Louisiana (run!), we sincerely hope you're strapped to the gills with the finest in food stamp offerings. For stabbing his older brother in the shoulder and left arm after an argument over a can of pork and beans, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a why-aren't-we-surprised-copious-amounts-of-alcohol-were-involved? DART at the Bayou bladed bully. While sibling rivalry can be described as healthy so long as knives aren't involved, two brothers with a combined age over the century mark have no business fighting over such a mediocre meal.
Hell, ever hear of Domino's?
Sheer absurdity runs rampant in podunk Peoria, Ill., where a 13-year-old boy channeled his inner Sonny Wortzik from "Dog Day Afternoon." The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a we-hear-he-was-packing-some-serious-heat LAUREL to the minimobster for holding up a bank and escaping the law for an epic 30 minutes. We probably sound like a broken record at this point in the semester when we say we don't condone stealing, but robbing a bank before hitting puberty takes nothing short of what Alec Baldwin would call some serious brass balls.
Word out of good ol' Port St. Lucie reveals news of two women who thought they could exploit the self-checkout line at one of our absolute favorite stores. For leaving behind recently developed photographs in their shopping cart after stealing $200 of merchandise from Wal-Mart, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a why-the-hell-didn't-you-rob-Target-instead? DART at the pictorially challenged bandits. Nothing like the state of Florida's finest constantly finding themselves on the bizarre news pages of media outlets across the country.
Interruption during a Philadelphia cable broadcast of Good Friday church service from the Vatican gave an eyeful and then some to the God-fearing audience hardly expecting hot young coeds. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a Joe-Francis-must-have-been-grinning-from-ear-to-ear LAUREL to Comcast Cable for cutting away from Pope Benedict XVI to a 30 second "Girls Gone Wild" commercial that would make any red-blooded American male shout "Lord Jesus!" And perhaps, for the first time ever, pitching a tent during mass could be deemed socially acceptable.
That's all for this week. Good night and good luck.
