The Editorial Board is salivating in anticipation of the weekend. We know we're still a day away, but we can't help but look forward to it because we have the best plans for Friday night.
Instead of dusting off our purple velvet Prince suit, favorite ascot and far-too-normal-looking Jheri curl to head for XS, we've got something new in the cards. We just picked it up courtesy of some of our friends who live on the west side of campus.
We're going to meet up with a bunch our friends to pick up some eggs, a 32-gallon trash can, a package of Huggies, a few bags of ice, a bunch of Coors Light, a bag of fun-size Snickers and some chocolate-flavored laxatives - everyone knows there's no better way to kick off a weekend.
Then, we're going to head back to one of our houses to kick it in the basement.
We'll kick-start the fun by telling stories and sipping Silver Bullets. We don't have that many chairs at home, though, so if too many bros show up they can just kneel on the concrete basement floor. We doubt it will be a big deal.
Once the storytelling gets old, we'll pass around our a volatile mix of baby Snickers and chocolatey laxatives - chocolate roulette will only make our Friday more exciting. We just hope we won't have to change our Huggies more than a half-dozen times before the night is over.
If that gets boring, the chocolate roulette survivors can always break into a random, post-8 p.m. Friday exercise routine. We're thinking push-ups, wall sits and sit-ups. Because nothing beats conditioning after sweets.
Naturally, while all this other fun stuff is happening in our basement, we'll occasionally crack an egg on the head of one of our friends. If we run out of eggs, we could just dump ice water on them, or, better yet, shove them all the way into the freezing water. Good times.
Of course, the whole event will be voluntary, and participation in our filthy games will be 100 percent optional. We would never actually think of forcing sit-ups and laxatives on our friends. That would be awful, degrading and pretty much completely unnecessary.
Think of what the University Police Department might think. They would probably assume we were hazing our friends. We would be so embarrassed.
That's why everything is completely optional. Our friends won't even have to drink any of our Coors. Who are we to disregard the will of our friends who are registered members of the More Taste League?
Why would we haze our friends? The idea is ludicrous and stupid.
Last time we checked, we like our friends and hazing is idiotic. We think it would be funny to see them compete in crab-walk races, and it would be awesome if they decided they wanted to buy us some booze so we could chug along, but only if they wanted to. Involuntary fun isn't fun at all - it's work.
Which is why this Friday, at one of our houses, we're going to have the sickest optional participation Huggies-chocolates-and-calisthenics party in the history of UF, courtesy of Coors and Snickers.
There are only two rules: No kneepads (unless you want them) and no cops (unless you realize your dignity got snagged on a nail in the doorjamb on your way in).
