1882: Gender-neutral historical figure Toni Labor sought to free the American worker from the shackles of the American work-week that, at its inception, continued for 365 days in a row. Tasks included, but were not limited to, beating rocks together and collecting goat and human sacrifices as offerings to the evil dragon who oversaw production atop Mt. Drudgery. Americans refered to the dragon as “Grover.” Toni Labor succeeded in slaying the dragon with a cardboard sign that read: “Seriously Grover, my feet are killing me,” and Americans celebrated by cooking the dragon over a fire. The Labor Day barbeque tradition was born.
1894: Labor Day became a federal holiday in honor of Toni Labor. When asked how he intended to spend the holiday, Toni replied: “I’m going to get drunk.” The getting drunk on Labor Day tradition is born.
1900: Dragon hunting became national Labor Day sport. Americans invited friends and family to their homes to share the spoils of dragon meat. A feeling of community ensued.
1911: Deforestation and over-hunting led to dragon extinction.
“I don’t believe in Global Warming,” 69-year-old Toni Labor said, “but hamburgers are still pretty good.” Skepticism of empirical facts about the environment is born (not restricted to solely Labor Day).
1914: The Labor family met a tragic end during a family camping trip, in what is believed to have been a dragon-free forest. One of the last known dragons appeared on the campsite and alternated between eating and breathing fire on the family. A national funeral was hosted in honor of the Labors. Mourners wore white, not black, as “that’s the way Toni would have wanted it.”
1917: President Woodrow Wilson passed a law making it illegal to wear white after Labor Day. When asked to comment, Wilson famously replied, “I miss Toni Labor just as much as the next guy, but all these people keep wearing white clothes at the White House. Dude, come on. I’m going colorblind.”
1923: In honor of Toni Labor, workers everywhere took on the byname “laborer,” seeking to honor those who made their workplaces dragon-free.
1951: President Harry Truman legalized wearing white after labor day. He scanned the law quickly and assumed it was about ghosts.
1953: It became unfashionable for high society to wear white after Labor Day due to an effort to send a clear message to the ghosts: You are unwelcome in our homes. Popular belief stated ghosts invaded homes during winter because “they were cold.”
1955: After realizing ghosts aren’t real, wearing white after Labor Day was deemed unfashionable in an attempt to make clouds feel bad about themselves.
1956: After learning clouds were inanimate, people stopped wearing white after Labor Day because it’s freezing, and only an idiot wears reflective colors during winter.
1970: Everything became super righteous. The ubiquity of psychedelic drugs caused Americans to forget about the existence of dragons. Museums found bones, called them “Dinosaurs.”
Present Day: College students and Americans alike spend the day drinking beer and eating hotdogs. They have relatively no idea what’s going on. Happy Labor Day, everybody!
