Now that the bloodletting has stopped and we collectively nurse our wounds after a messy and angry election cycle, the mantle of governance weighs heavy on newly minted insurgent members of Congress.
Though it shall be a great challenge, the men and women elected to represent us must somehow overcome the shame they will undoubtedly feel upon becoming members of a sitting government.
Having campaigned for months, aggressively attacking “politics as usual” and “Washington insiders,” many Tea Party politicians might be shocked to learn they will likely have to now take up residence in or around our nation’s capital and begin to vote on legislation.
Flown in on the wings of a screaming eagle while bearing gnashed teeth and sharp swords, it may be difficult for the Tea Party candidates to accept something as mundane as their role in the formation of public policy.
Resisting that natural self-hate welling up in their pure hearts could be a challenge for many of the shiny new idealists who find themselves in charge of our country, but this vital infusion of lifeblood is what keeps our country pumping along in the three months we now allot our politicians to govern in between election cycles.
However, one heartening note about the state of our country is a newfound respect for the rights of snakes and a general consensus forming across the notion that one must not tread on them.
On top of their previously demonstrated healthy deference toward serpents, a clear plan for steering America through rough economic times should be the focus of our next Congress.
With spending so high, we often need to invent new imaginary numbers to wrap our heads around the levels of theoretical debt we are conjuring up on an annual basis.
Congress has been tasked with spending less money and/or raising revenue to cover the balance we owe.
Congress must first come up with a complete rebranding of certain bureaucratic tools. Traditionally known as taxation, siphoning enough money to sustain regulatory promises could be again referred to as a tribute.
This recycled term has roots in things like “the good old days,” and it implies some semblance of class and order, which will play well in the heartland and breadbasket areas of our country’s expanding midsection.
As far as actual legislation goes, one of the first tributes established by our Tea Party order could be a bill designed to close a loophole in the proposed extra taxation of sugared beverages that currently allows the godless heathens who drink unsweetened tea to escape what most call the soda tax.
Aside from the obvious political benefits of defending the glorious Southern roots of sweet tea, closing the unsweetened tea loophole would allow the Tea Party to introduce a bill they can be proud to call their own. By the grace of a vengeful deity and the guts of the 112th Congress, we should see the establishment of a tribute on tea.
From what I can tell, nobody remembers anything that happened in the 1770s anyway.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His column appears every Tuesday.
