Well, ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally come. In less than a week, Bush is out of office. Critics might allege that he destroyed our economy, started two wars and even failed to correctly pronounce the word nuclear on a regular basis. But he succeeded in one area-he is leaving the White House without a sex scandal on his record.
As detrimental to our government as the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal was, we all secretly know it was nice to hear that the president was just a regular guy in need of some "sexual relations."
So, with a new president taking office, are we in for any juicy sexual controversies? It's been a while since any groundbreaking government gossip has been spilled.
Sure, Sarah Palin's teenage daughter got knocked up, but that was hardly entertaining.
Of course there was Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York, who could have pulled the country out of our economic deficit with all the money he spent on prostitutes, but still, not outrageous enough.
Barack Obama has often been called the John F. Kennedy of our time. He's young, good-looking, has a beautiful family and speaks for new America. But JFK's record wasn't quite as clean (sexually) as Bush's.
I'm sure you've all heard it: The sultry voice of sex icon Marilyn Monroe singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President." Well, let's just say she gave him more than a song for his birthday.
Kennedy isn't the only U.S. president who sought out a mistress, though. Wilson, Roosevelt and Eisenhower all carried on illicit relationships.
There were even rumors that Jefferson fathered the child of one of his African-American slaves.
And just to clarify, though Deep Throat sounds like a stripper name, Watergate had nothing to do with sex.
So, if the Obamas are the supposed reincarnation of the Kennedys, it seems as though we might have a sex scandal on our hands in the next four years.
I recently saw the cover of a tabloid advertising that Oprah and Obama were getting too close. I know she was a big supporter during the campaign, but come on, seriously? He can do way better.
If he were going to go after someone, it would definitely not be Oprah. Obama may be the Kennedy of our time, but there is no modern-day comparison to Marilyn Monroe. Her legacy will reign forever. So, who would it be?
Let's think diva. Beyoncé could be a good match. Her caramel skin and hip-shaking abilities could definitely earn her some playtime in the oval office.
Her talent is a plus, too. You know you'd be turned on if Beyoncé sang "Happy Birthday" to you. But then again, even the secret service might not be able to stop a scorned Jay-Z. Perhaps bootylicious isn't the best choice.
Maybe someone more exciting would be better, like the newly single Britney Spears. According to MTV's "For the Record," she's not as crazy as we all thought, and I'm sure K-Fed wouldn't mind either. Obama is just the womanizer she's been looking for.
But he could just skip the divas and go straight to an actress. Halle Berry anyone?
She was the first African American woman to win best actress, and he's the first African American president; they'd be the perfect history making couple!
Maybe she'd rip out her catwoman costume and play dress up for Mr. President.
Or maybe he'd be even more scandalous and go for a younger lady like Rihanna, who could easily seduce Obama on a rainy day in Washington D.C.
I'm sure she'd have no problem inviting Obama to stand under her umbrella.
Let's just hope, for the country's sake, that if there is a first mistress in the making, it doesn't create a national uproar.
America is already dealing with a war and a crumbling economy. We don't need an impeachment on our hands, too.
After all, we all know-and I think even Joe Six-Pack would agree-that every now and then a guy just needs some action.
