This week the world celebrated momentous changes in history, and America celebrated some changes of its own. By contrast, things have been a little slow around the Alligator; the most noteworthy thing to happen this week is the mysterious disappearance of the friendly rats that live in our walls (if you’re reading this, we miss you). These epic world events only make the mundane state of affairs in Gainesville harder to bear. With that in mind, we are happy to present you with a don’t-let-the-small-town-blues-get-you-down edition of...
Darts & Laurels
Because one day, we promise you’ll graduate and move on to the real world (well, most of you).
On Monday, somewhere in the real world, millions of people marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall with celebrations and dominoes. One thousand giant dominoes were placed over the former site of the wall to symbolize its fall, and as we watched them topple we thought of only one thing... Ronald Reagan descending from the clouds, hammer in hand, destroying the Wall like an angry Thor. While George H.W. Bush got to watch the fall from the Oval Office, we all know who really brought these changes to Berlin, and that’s why we would like to give an even-better-than-the-Hulk-smash LAUREL to Ronald Reagan for bringing freedom to Germany, and the world, and the universe, forever.
In America this week, a momentous event took place that will no doubt match the historical significance of those in Berlin (no, it’s not the health care legislation). On Wednesday night, Lou Dobbs announced that he will be leaving his post as CNN’s resident lunatic, seeking a “new way” to advocate his views. No longer will CNN viewers be plagued by opinion polls like, “Should the sleazy bureaucrats in Washington be allowed to continue stealing the money of hardworking Americans?” (98 percent no, 1 percent yes, 1 percent undecided).
No longer will they see his groundbreaking investigative pieces, like the one about the thousands of filthy Mexican immigrants who bring leprosy into the U.S. each year (yes, he ran it... no, of course it’s not true). But Lou needs some kind of outlet for his populist-rage, so we are forced to present a thanks-for-giving-Lou-a-job LAUREL to Fox News (in advance). Because if the speculation is true, and Lou plans to run for public office, our heads might just explode.
...And Fox is where he belongs anyway.
The Department of Darts and Laurels, inundated this week with gripping, important local news, has decided to bring you none of it, opting rather for cheap shots at local figures over mundane mistakes (notice a theme?).
Last Friday, UF President Bernie Machen was driving in a downtown parking lot when he hit another car. Deciding that he “did not feel that there had been an accident,” he fled without leaving a note, according to GPD spokesman Keith Kameg. For his hilarious cowardice, we throw a thought-you’d-get-away-with-it-didn’t-you DART at President Machen. (If we were vengeful, it would be aimed at his car window.)
Next up, three UF fraternities are in trouble for allegedly allowing underage drinking at events over the summer and early fall. In one case, the line really may have been crossed, as one fraternity is accused of giving alcohol to two 17-year-old girls, one of whom was rushed to the emergency room after vomiting in a SNAP van. For denying the charges, claiming the girls entered uninvited and were “breaking and entering,” we throw an own-up-to-the-beer-bong DART at Sigma Phi Epsilon.
On Wednesday, about 240 people showed up at University House apartments on Northwest 13th Street for what was an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for longest massage chain. For the shameless self promotion, and for falling so short of your goal (even with the Hooters girls out in force), we have to throw an epic-massage-fail DART at University House.
That’s it for this week. Go make some real news, Gators!
