When I was in high school, I was convinced I had the nosiest, most intrusive parents.
"For the last time, I/m not going to any college!" I used to shout at them. "My 600-pound lover and I are eloping in Vegas after I graduate."
I was so blind. Upon arriving at college, I was shocked to discover that many students/ parents call or text-message them more than five times daily.
I was always under the impression parents bought their teenagers cell phones as a ceremonial gesture, marking the passage into adulthood. Their generation received the keys to old, dying Volkswagens; ours receives iPhones and rollover minutes.
Little did I know that some parents use cell phones like leashes, extending their jurisdiction from cul-de-sac to campus.
"Hold on, my mom/s calling," my friend will say, digging through her purse. My epic tale of a juicy Facebook chat conversation from the night before is put on hold until Ft. Lauderdale/s most outspoken PTA treasurer is convinced her angel is safe.
"Sorry, I was in the bathroom when you called earlier," she/d say. "No, I/m not bulimic."
I once proposed that her mother leave a voicemail.
"If I don/t pick up, she/ll think I/m dead," my friend told me. "My mom has called the cops before."
The cops! My parents wouldn/t even call the authorities if they watched a video of me tied up in cave in Afghanistan, masked insurgents prodding me with AK-47s.
"That/s too bad," my mother would sigh. "Let/s cash in his savings bonds and buy crack!"
Too many students are harassed by needy, suspicious parents. I once found a guy slumped in a parked car outside a party, cupping his cell phone to his mouth, soberly assuring his mother that he was actually studying in his dorm.
I pity my teet-whipped friends. They enjoy as much privacy as endangered pandas, or registered sex offenders. They can/t skip a class, buy a movie ticket, or commit a thought-crime without the folks knowing about it. Let/s put an end to this.
Your cell phone is not a baby monitor. Let the call go to voicemail, and start the moment they call after dropping you off at your dorm.
If your parents don/t grow up, you won/t either.
