Happy Tuesday, gang! What a week it’s been. After last week’s column, some of you may have wondered: "Why mediocre advice? Why would anybody listen to you?" Well, in a world where people still religiously eat Olive Garden, listen to Fall Out Boy, watch MTV and read Buzzfeed to find out if their boyfriend is cheating on them, it seems as though mediocrity is still in.
I digress. Thank you to all who have inundated mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com with emails; all of your inquiries are appreciated. Due to certain constraints, I will not be able to answer all questions that were asked, but I will be able to sagaciously advise a few lucky individuals.
Hi Mediocre Advice,
Hope all is well. My girlfriend of two years really wants to have a threesome….but I’m scared. How do I mentally prepare myself?
– Unnamed Urkle
I have one word for you Unnamed Urkle: BRUH. You’re essentially about to enter the Super Bowl of sexual encounters: There are only going to be about five minutes of action and the rest of the time your girlfriend is going to be bored and thinking of Tom Brady. So yes, you should be terrified.
Typically during sex, there are already hundreds of things that could go wrong, but with another person in the mix, one faux pas and you’re done for. Not only are you going to end up disappointing your girlfriend, but the third party as well. You can be guaranteed that, quite literally, 30 seconds after she leaves, every single one of her friends will receive less than generous reviews about your humble endowment and lackluster performance.
So here’s the plan: Go to a local Gainesville doctor — NOT the infirmary — and inform them of your embarrassing and completely fabricated erectile dysfunction.
DO NOT leave until you receive a prescription for Viagra or Cialis. Hopefully you trust your girlfriend, but you may not know what this other girl has been up to.
This is why you need to think about using protection. Helmet on, Viagra in one hand and condoms in the other, and you're ready to go to town on game day. You’re not going to be Tom Brady, but you just might score.
Hey Mediocre Advice,
I’m trying to improve my basketball skills. I shoot hoops all the time and play pickup, but I just don’t get better! What’s up with that? How can I improve?
– 6’4’’ and Jewish
6’4’’ and Jewish,
Rome wasn’t built overnight and your skills are not going to improve during that time span either. Pickup basketball is great, but I think you need to focus on the fundamentals of the game: selfishness and disrespect. You’re doing it all wrong.
I bet you patiently wait your turn to play when you arrive at the court. You probably even pass the ball to open teammates and shake hands after the game. People like you disgust me. Do you think you are going to earn one shred of respect from your peers by doing those things? No. You’re going to earn respect by focusing on your swag.
6’4’’ and Jewish, stop practicing your jumper. Putting in hard work obviously isn’t making you better, so instead, just buy your talent. My advice: Go to Footlocker and buy a $300 pair of Lebron shoes, $50 pair of mesh shorts and $30 pair of Nike socks. No, these things are not overpriced; they’re just the cost of success.
While donning your new swag, you will find that your talents will soon resemble those of the pros. Not only will you be supporting your favorite athletes, but you will also be helping the American economy.
In the words of Shia LaBeouf: "Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday you said tomorrow. SO JUST DO IT."
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears on Tuesdays.
